Lack of accomplishments...

So it has been a month since my daughter went back to school.

At first I thought that I would feel more relax now that she is not with me all the time, or that I can get more accomplished during my day.

Well I am so very very wrong.

I do not feel relax at all. It has taken me about this long to get back on schedule. It does not help that my daughter comes home for lunch about three times a week, which means, on those days I essentially have two hours off between drop off and pick up and drop off and pick up again... Sometimes I feel like I have just enough time to sit down and have a sip of tea.

As for accomplishing anything, i did NOTHING. I had huge plans to clean and tidy. However at this moment, my house looks like a small tornado went through it. Granted it is Monday, and no one cleans on the weekend - okay I refuse to clean on weekends unless someone is coming over, and if I do not clean, the other residents in this house rarely cleans (unless someone is coming over).

My other excuse is that I was also sick for a week, and who cleans and do stuff while they are sick? As an aside, I did make a wonderful discovery: the inability to taste salt makes for a great diet, I have massively cut down on snacking and have shrunk down my portion sizes.

I also had plans to write more, but as anyone who reads this and checks out the dates of my posts... that obviously did not happen either.

So here is the plan – first step, make a plan. Well that is about all I got so far. I will let you know if I can accomplish anything today, or maybe I will just wait until tomorrow.

Almost naughty mommy moment...

Every night I check on my daughter before I go to bed. I usually find her in some odd sleeping position (never in the position that I put her in bed), snuggled up with her stuffies and blankets.

She looks so angelic sleeping, probably dreaming of fairies and princesses, or pirates and dinosaurs or maybe a princess dinosaur pirate fairy... who knows...

And so, there she is in bed, all peaceful, innocent, with not a care in the world... and that is when I want to do it...

There are so many times when a little naughty imp in me thinks it will be very funny to wake her up in the middle of the night and pretend it is time to get up for school (keep in mind it is still summer vacation).

I know it is mean, but come on, she kept me from sleeping through the night for at least a year and a half.

But to this day, I simply give her a kiss, tell her I love her, and walk out the door...

However, it does not mean I will never try this little prank...  

The grass is always greener...

I love my house. I love the layout of my house. I love that is virtually the perfect size for us. I love the neighbourhood we are in. I really have nothing to complain about... but...

And that is the problem, there seems to be always a but with me. I am trying very hard to appreciate and just accept the things that I have. And I really do appreciate my house. However, as soon as I type this, I start thinking that my house will be perfect, if only it had parking, and maybe another bedroom, OH! And a master en-suite.

Is it just me that does this? I know if I just learn to accept things my life will be easier. I have been like this since I was little – at school, an A+ was not good enough, I had to be perfect. Okay, I learned quite quickly that an A+ was more than good enough; and most of the time I was happy with a B.

Then I find myself looking at my daughter's report card and wondering why it is not straight A+. I did take a deep breath and remembered that she was only in grade one, and really, so what if she got a B in “play”.

She actually did pretty good, in that she improved from last semester's report card, which really was what I wanted to see. But I cannot help but to push her still.

The thing is, I know she can do better if she just pays a bit more attention – she can get the correct answer for 5 + 3 and yet get 3 + 5 wrong. All I really want is for her to be self motivated. I want her to want to do her best.

And yet, I do not want her to become neurotic about it, like me, I want her to realize that her best is good enough, as long as it is indeed her best. At least for now, I do not want her to work for grades, I want her to work to want to learn things and to get better – the working on grades thing can come later.

I want her to enjoy the journey and the rewards of reaching her goal. I want her to always have goals, but be willing to sometimes accept that things are the way they are. I want me to learn these things.

Sure, a parking spot would be nice, but to get one,we will have to move because there is no possible way for me to afford a house with a parking spot where I live; and I am not about to move from this house.

So I should accept that though it is nice to dream, I should really be happy with what I have. And trust me, I know I am much luckier than most.

On the other hand.... I can always win the lottery....  

Summer vacation....

So it has been a little more than a month since I came home from my “grown up” vacation. Though it feels like the trip happened eons ago.

I think I am still suffering a bit from the post-vacation blues. It does not help that it is now the end of the school year, which means... my schedule and quiet mornings will now more or less disappear until September (YEAH! For summer camps!).

As much as I complain, I really do enjoy spending time with my daughter.

It is just that I do not have the patience or the personality to be a full time playmate to my little girl. I do okay as her mother (most of the time... I think...), but for the most part, I am just not a great friend for a kid... I cannot play pretend for hours; I have trouble following where her imagination takes her; and I am way too out of shape to chase her around the playground. I am great though at reading stories; doing a quiet craft; packing a picnic lunch; oh! and I am an expert at taking a quiet nap together.

As I write and reread over this entry, it got me to think that I really should approach this summer with a new attitude. So no longer will I dread summer vacations. I shall try to see it as an opportunity or an adventure. My kid still wants to hang out with me! I should really just enjoy this time, and just see where the summer will take us.

I am no longer a vacation-without-the kid virgin

Yep, we finally did it, my husband and I took a vacation without the small child.

For weeks, I was a nervous wreck. I somehow convinced myself that I was the only person capable of taking care of and keeping my child alive – it did not matter that my parents raised both my sister and me, or that my husband's parents were perfectly capable parents as well...

And then came the guilt of leaving her behind; the constant “mommy you are going to miss (fill in the blank)” were really starting to wear me down.

And just as my friends predicted, I started to relax as soon as the wheels on the plane left the ground. Everything is now out of my hands. I know the grandparents will spoil her rotten, but she will be fine and breathing, and most likely filled with sugar and toys, but she will be okay.

To my great surprise, I had fun! A LOT of FUN! I barely missed her, in fact, I felt a little bit guilty for not missing my child more. I still thought about her a lot, and called everyday, but I was glad we left her at home.

I think, I (we) needed some time away to be grown ups, without having the responsibilities of being grown ups.

If you think about it, being responsible parents kind of suck sometimes. Yes, kids gripe because they feel they have no powers, and are not allowed to make the rules.... Well children, do you know what is worse than not being able to make the rules? Making rules for a six year old that you have to follow as well. In essence, I am putting limits on my own freedom – or locking myself in a cage that I built.

For example, on our trip, I was able to leave my hotel room to go out for a drink at 11:00 at night!! I no longer had a curfew; my evening activity was not determined by someone else's bedtime.

At home, I am usually getting ready, or is close to being in bed by 11:00. In fact, staying out after 9:00 makes me feel rebellious (I do go out occasionally, but it usually requires arranging for babysitting weeks in advance.)

Then there are meal times – meals must be fed at regular times plus or minus half an hour. My child needs to be fed on a regular schedule, or else she is a nightmare to deal with.

On vacation, we ate whenever we were hungry. Okay, we still more or less ate (or at least snacked) at noon and six, because for the last almost seven years, I ate at about noon and six; and I too get cranky if I am not fed on schedule. The bonus on this trip was since there was no small child to set a good example for, I got to eat crappy yummy junk food if I wanted to; we did not, but I could have.

So on this trip, I realize that it is important for parents to be a little selfish once in awhile.

It was nice to be able to just do what I (we) wanted and to choose what I think would be fun for me (us) without thinking if it would be fun for the kid. I do not think I have thought about what I needed for months.

It was nice to be on vacation and only worry about my own happiness. I felt my batteries recharge; I am ready to be a happier mom again. I would probably be even better if it was not for the jet lag and the lack of sleep during the vacation (so maybe staying out until 2am everyday was not a brilliant idea).

And then I saw the mountain of laundry that greeted me when I got home... and my little one starts whining about something again... oh well... time to book my next vacation.

Mother's Day Blues

I do not like Mother's Day.

Do not get me wrong, I Love my Mommy, I Love my Mother-in-law, and I LOVE being a Mom. I just do not like Mother's Day.

Here is why...

Presents.

Ever since since my little one was born, we have given the mothers a little handmade present. Usually my daughter makes these presents, with a lot of supervision by me. So for weeks before the big day, I am constantly on Pinterest looking for ideas.

Here is the thing, and I know I am doing this to myself; I want to make presents that the mothers would like to keep because they are nice and not just out of guilt (even I started throwing out some of the crafts my daughter made for me. I feel a little bit bad, but we live in a small house, and I really do not need a hundred copies of the same flower, in multiple colours....).

So, with every year, the Mother's Day present project seems to grow more daunting to me. The worst is that I do not even get to enjoy the fruits of my own labours. Last year my daughter and I made these really nice little necklaces for everyone; that is everyone but ME! I was tired and forgot to include myself when I bought the materials; and I also thought it was a little lame to make myself a present.

So Mother's Day is once again approaching. I am still not quite sure what we are going to do this year, but I hope it will be nice and not too much work for me.

One year though, I would just like to spend a Mother's Day without having to plan anything, so that I too can sit and enjoy the breakfast that someone else planned for me, and maybe a massage. This way, I can feel more rested and relaxed before Father's Day comes.

Hello God...

My daughter came home the other day and told me about a problem at school. Nothing big, someone, or thing, was knocking some toys over, and she could not figure out who, or what, it was. So she and her friends decided to stakeout the toy area to catch who was doing this naughty thing. Apparently the plan failed. I guess they got bored after five minutes.

Then I asked her what they did next... and she told me they sat and prayed to God. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yep, my daughter and her friends got on their knees and prayed...

I was not raised in a very religious household. I did go to church when I was little, but I basically thought of church as a place to colour and make pretty crafts. My dad continued to drag us to church until my early teens, and then he got tired of fighting with us every week, and/or he started enjoying sleeping in.

Anyway, with my daughter I pretty much left religion out of our lives. I want it to be her choice when she is older.

However, I am starting to think I am wrong in my approach of completely ignoring religion. My daughter is now being told about God by a bunch of other six and seven year olds. And, If I remember correctly, young children often mistake God for Santa Claus. I had to tell her that God is not there for you to pray to for stuff, it is more complicated then that.

So maybe this is the year I finally tell her that Christmas is not about getting presents and Santa, and that Easter has very little to do with a bunny and chocolate eggs.

I hope that as a family, maybe we can also research what other people celebrate and believe in (her school does discuss most major religious celebrations, last year, she wanted to light a menorah, but I forgot when Chanukah started...).

I realize that we will be going on this new adventure with a heavy Christian bias (I teach what I know), but my goal is for her to learn that it is okay to believe in other things (as long as it does not hurt other people), and even if you do not always agree, you should respect other people's point of view. Or, in terms she understands – just because mommy thinks Toopy and Binoo is the most annoying cartoon ever made, it does not mean that you cannot like it (however, sometimes you may just have to watch it in a different room....).

Do you have suggestions on how to talk to your kid about religion?

So I have been feeling a little blah lately.

I see all these unfinished projects around me, but I lack the will to get my ass in gear to complete any of them..

Take writing for example. I am barely writing twice a month. Twice a month... I was aiming to put something down once a week... and really, it should not take me that long to type a few words, after all, I am not aiming to write 20 page essays. It is not even because I have no idea what to write; I have a couple of ideas gathering cobwebs in some corner of my mind. I just don't seem to be able to get motivated.

I turn my computer on, and instead of doing something productive, I play games, watch Youtube videos, sit there and wait for my friends to add new posts on Facebook, or read all sort of gossipy celebrity websites..

Meanwhile, my floors are gathering dust, the clothes in my closet are threatening to fall down on me, there is some sort of science project growing in my fridge, and my bathroom is... okay, I still clean the bathroom, I am not that gross yet... but close.

I just don't feel like doing anything. And simply thinking about finishing projects makes me feel overwhelmed, and yet, I feel restless. I want to do something, yet I do not know what, and how.

Maybe I need a change. Or maybe I just need to hunker down, get a list going and just do something. I know I will probably feel better if I just finish something.

Maybe after posting this, I will finally pull the vacuum cleaner out again or maybe I will just watch one more video online.

So I started to run again... and when I say run, I mean jog very slowly.....

I am being honest with myself, I am running to help lose some weight. Though being healthier and having more energy are nice bonuses as well.

This has been a dreadfully cold winter, so I helped keep both me and the house warm by baking and then consuming lots of cookies and muffins. And due to the cold, we did not move a lot – though we did learn to move very quickly running from one warm indoor place to another.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, I realize the dreaded bathing suit season will soon be upon me. There will be no more hiding under two layers of sweater and a coat that looks like a sleeping bag – I am pretty sure I could have gained 50lbs and no one would had noticed under all my clothing. So as the layers are about to come off, so must the weight.

I actually hate running. I have bad knees; I hate getting hot and sweaty; and I do not actually enjoy feeling like my lungs are burning.

However, I am also incredibly stubborn. I am determined to run 5km. I got close last year – I can run 4 – 4.5km without wanting to die, but then it was too hot, or too humid, or too cold, then there was too much light, not enough light... as you can see, it takes very little to convince me not to run.

But, I started running again this year, determined as ever to reach my goal.

Part of me worry though, I am doing this to lose a couple of pounds, and I am unsure what sort of example this sets for my little girl. I really do not want my daughter to start worrying about her weight or develop any body issues. And as much as I try to not voice my own weight issues in front of her, I nevertheless slip up sometime.

I want my little girl to grow up healthy and be happy with her body.

So I am hoping this running thing just shows her that mommy also needs to exercise and eat properly to stay healthy and to keep up with her; and not mommy would really like to fit into her old jeans again.

March Break Mommy Brain

So I did it. It really was only a matter of time before it happened.

Last week, I sent my daughter to a class that did not actually exist.

Yep, we woke up early on a Saturday morning; rushed through our morning routine (I probably yelled at her to hurry her up); then I tightly pulled her hair into a bun; woke up her father, who gulped down his coffee; and finally I sent them both running out the door to ballet class.

As soon as they left, I leaned back, sighed, and had my second cup of coffee and started to relax. Then the phone call came...

Husband - “.... Hun... are you sure she has class today? The doors are locked...”

Me - “What do you mean the doors are locked? I read the email... they are only taking a break from Tuesday until Thursday. Hang on... I will check the email again.”

dramatic pause

Me - “sh*t – Tuesday until the Thursday after March break.... sorry”

Considering how many programs my daughter has been in over her short lifespan, I am actually shocked that I do not do this more often.

I can blame my mind slip on many things: being overwhelmed, being tired after March Break, desperately needing to have the house to myself... But really there is only one person at fault here – ME. I was not doing the thing I tell my daughter to do everyday – pay attention.

Lesson learned. And, I believe my little one gets to get away with not paying attention this week, at least once. Also, I guess it is time for me to get a new calendar.

Winter Blues....

Winter is usually my favourite season, but even I am reaching my breaking point.

When is it going to warm up?

Okay, I do not actually mind the snow, in fact I much prefer the snow than the disgusting brown goop – the mixture of mud, slush, dirt and a winter's worth of unburied dog excrement – that shows up each spring.

However, I am so sick of the cold. I am sick of wearing three layers of sweaters inside my house; I am sick of putting on my large, shapeless, yet remarkably warm coat every time I have to leave the house; I am sick of stomping around in boots that look like something astronauts wear; I am sick of being stuck inside my house because breathing while outside causes my nose hairs to freeze; and I am sick of getting fat, because I am trying to help heat the house by baking more.

I would like to pause this winter rant by thanking my parents for insisting that I learned to ski when I was little. If it was not for skiing, this winter would SUCK.

I am so very happy that my daughter LOVES to ski; it allows my family to do something fun, and outside in the winter. Also, since skiing is mainly a weekend activity, and there are really not that that many great weekends to ski each year, it does help make time fly a little bit.

So instead of: Oh crap! What do you mean there are three more weeks of winter!!!

It becomes: Drat! Only three more good ski days left... sigh...

Maybe I should hold off on hoping to finally put the winter gear away, and instead I should pull it all out, pack up and try to hit the slopes a couple more times before I start complaining about the summer heat, and dreaming about snow again.

Oh... screw that ... I am still not going to stop dreaming about a nice tropical beach vacation.

How are you beating the winter blues?

The year's Valentine's Day Letter

And here is this year's belated love letter.... (I am starting to see a trend... sigh)

Dear Deep Breath,

It has been a while since I have taken some time for you.

My life seems to be so hectic these days, running off to school, zooming to after school activities, getting food ready, cleaning (okay, I do not really clean that much...) and then planning for things to do on the weekend.

I feel like I forgot how to just stop and inhale. I feel like I am going nowhere fast.

Just the other day, I took my daughter sledding; knowing that we had a very small window to do this activity – a) the sun sets at 4:30 (at least it no longer start setting at 3:00...) and b) it was freezing. So there I stood watching her zoom down the hill, and then SLOWLY coming back up the hill with her toboggan. She was employing the two step forward, three slides back method of climbing up the hill. I was, of course, getting annoyed standing up there waiting for her. After all, she was the one who wanted to do this. I was about to yell, when I noticed that she was giggling, laughing and having fun!

This was the moment when I remembered you my long lost friend.

So I stood on top of the hill, took a very deep breath, and just enjoyed the scenery. I was literally at the top of a hill (and we had the hill to ourselves that day) watching a beautiful sunset and spending time with my daughter. So really, who the hell cares that we were not going up and down as many time as we could pack in. The whole point of this was to go outside, get some fresh air and have fun! If she has fun falling down the hill, I should just let her.

So from this point on, I am hoping to rediscover and spend more time with you. To stop, take a deep breath, and just enjoy the moment.

Forever yours,

Me

Letters from previous years

2013

2012

2011

Happy New Year! again....

Okay... I am finally ready to make my anti-new-year-resolution wish list....

Yes, I know it is already February, but hey, it is still Chinese New Year!

Anyway, this year, my list is pretty simple. It will include some of the stuff from my previous lists, see here or here. 

But this year, I am borrowing my list from my daughter. Child's teacher asked her and her class to make some resolutions (her teacher did not know my anti-resolution stance).

My little one decided that her resolution is to have more FUN!

I was a little offended about her resolution at first; after all, I spent most of my day planning on how to make her life fun... which I admit sometimes involve activities that she does not always enjoy, like violin practice (“but I swear it will be fun once you can play actual songs!”). But really, the child plays about 90% of the time excluding the hours she is in school (which I am pretty sure still involves lots of playing), and the time she is unconscious (probably dreaming of play).

And then I thought a bit more about it, and figure, you know what, we all can use a bit more fun in our lives.

So this year, my wish list has only one item on it.

HAVE MORE FUN! (and try not to get injured while doing so; oh and maybe only after the dishes are done...).

 I am of course going to continue to try to be the mother that my daughter needs me to be, and this year, I am going to try to listen more and lecture less... (I managed to do it for an hour now!).

What is your resolution or wish list for this year?

My complicated relationship with Santa Claus

Okay, I still have no anti-resolution wish list, but am still feeling I need a holiday debrief.

For the last five years, my daughter has sent a letter to Santa Claus with her Christmas wish list. I also tell her Santa is a very busy man, and she will definitely not be getting ALL the toys on this list, and she will most likely be getting a toy somewhat similar to the one on the list, but probably not be the exact toy.

Anyway, here is my and my husband's usual Christmas eve routine: guests leave, dishes are loaded into the dishwasher (or hand washed, hey Santa, I need a bigger dishwasher), and house is tidied to an acceptable level (I have very low standards, so there is actually very little tidying). Then probably sometime after midnight, us 'Santa helpers' start assembling toys that will magically appear on Christmas day.

I have discovered that it is incredibly difficult for my fingers to work on anything other than a remote control, and to follow any sort of instructions after midnight.

But, it is all worth it to see her happy, excited face on Christmas morning when she discovers that she has actually been a good little girl (or good enough little girl) for Santa to bring her a present on her wish list, and not just a rock (knowing my kid though, she would actually be quite happy with a rock).

And then I find my feelings of happiness is inversely correlated to how happy Santa is making my child. Why should Santa get all the credit? What about all the toys that mommy and daddy got her?

It gets worse when months later she reminds me that her favourite gift is one that Santa got her, and then asks, what did you get me again mommy?

So this last Christmas I decided that mommy (and daddy too) is going to come up top dog this time. So take that Santa.

We decided to give her an expensive, and quite extravagant present this year. And this year, we are taking the credit for it.

Sure Santa still got her a couple of things from her list (most of which is now sitting in a pile near my feat), but it is the big gift that is still played with and is much treasured.

I think my relationship with Santa has moved to a much happier place this year. I no longer feel jealous and resentful towards the jolly old man. In fact, I am now appreciating him for the thing he does best – as a threat to my child to behave for the entire month of December (and if I am lucky, November as well).

Note – this last Christmas was also made easier when all the gifts that Santa brought did not require any sort of assembly.

Happy New Year and being unprepared....

I usually start off my new year with my anti-resolution list, but this year, I decided to do something different. Okay, I really did not think much about the list. It was a very busy holiday season, with power outages, no heat, unexpected guests, and then a 'vacation' (you know, the ones that require a week to recover from). I barely had time to register that we have actually started a new year!

However, instead of just sitting around and contemplating my list of wishes for this year, I decided to try and start this year by just writing. Or as I like to call it, get my ass in gear instead of procrastinating by watching hours of Youtube videos, well maybe one more of that really cute puppy trying hard not to fall asleep.....

Anyway, a very long time ago, I wrote about travelling with a small child. I would now like to continue that thought by adding a couple of packing essentials: a thermometer; children fever medicine and children anti-nausea medication.

And how do I know these are essentials? Simple, I did not pack them.

My family and I went to a resort a bit north of our home over the holidays. We drove. The resort was in an area with shopping malls and big box stores. So I figured, if we forgot anything, we can always go out to buy it.

Of course, it did not occur to me that my child will get sick on the one day during our vacation where NOTHING was opened. Yep, my daughter started throwing up and feeling awfully warm on New Year's DAY! (Actually, if she was considerate and got sick half an hour earlier, I could had stilled made it to the drugstore before they closed....).

So my husband and I ended up spending our New Year's reminiscing about our youth... the last time he held someone's hair back over a toilet was mine... And we got to stay up all night, granted there was no party, but instead, a 2am cool bath to try and bring the little one's fever down. Let us say it was a memorable way to start the new year. I hope for much less exciting days and nights in the future.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Oh! The small child was fine the next day, actually it was probably a great new year for her; she got about 10 hours of uninterrupted television watching, no one forced her to eat anything, and all the ginger ale that she wanted to drink...