Post Mother's Day thoughts....

Nothing quite says Happy Mother's Day like an early morning scream from your child's bedroom. The good news was that she was not hurt; she just had an 'accident'. Really, does the child not realize she has a father as well...

The last time my daughter had an 'accident' was more than a year ago... so why Mother's Day of all days...

Since I was up early, I started to think about if this was what I pictured motherhood to be... while grumbling and swearing under my breath as I loaded the laundry machine.

Actually to everyone's surprise, including mine, and especially my mother (which does not say much about my mother's opinion of me), I LOVE being a mom.

I love spending time with my daughter. I love watching her grow, do, and learn new things. I love watching the ever changing expressions on her little face. I love watching her create and make stuff. I love the hundreds and thousands of ugly crafts that she brings home from school – even if most of them end up in the recycling. I even sometimes love it when she is being a little bit naughty, as she finds really interesting and creative ways to be naughty (but that will be our secret)

However, I still have moments of doubt, of what in the world did I sign myself up for. And, moments when I think about handing in my resignation.

I admit there are times when my child frustrates me to the point that I just want to yell to her that “I QUIT! You think you know better, fine, you are on your own kid.”

I think I might have actually done that once or a dozen times... I am not proud of this. I know there are better ways of communicating my displeasure than to give my child an abandonment complex. But, I have a bad temper, and though I try very hard to control it, sometimes I still explode. I do apologize to her after, and explain that mommy did not mean the things she said, but mommy was very upset, and when you are upset, sometimes you end up saying things to hurt people. Usually by then I am calm enough to talk it out again.

So this mother's day, I will make my daughter this promise (I am probably repeating my new year's promises). I will try very hard to never say I will leave her ever again, at least not indefinitely – I make no promises to stop threatening to send her to her grandparents' or aunt's house overnight until I calm down. I promise to try to calm down and to spend more time listening and less time yelling/nagging at her. And, I promise to try to be the best mommy that I can be for her. And if this does not work, I am packing my bags and moving to Hawaii...

Does anyone have a suggestion to help me calm down before I start yelling at my little girl? So far, I am resorting to 'mommy timeouts' – I lock myself in my room for 5 min (preferably with wine) to attempt to calm down before dealing with her again.

Screw Date Nights

One of the things that I miss most from the time before I was a mom, and before I was married (which was so long ago that I had a pet dinosaur named Chompy) was having time by myself.

I confess that I am actually all by myself as I am typing this. However, I am constantly staring at the little clock at the top of my screen to make sure I pick my daughter up from school on time.

So, to be more specific, I miss having stress free, unscheduled time by myself. I miss being able to do what I want without the constant sound of a ticking clock reminding me that I have to drop my daughter off or pick her from school,a play date, a class ...

I miss eating crappy (but tasty), food in front of the television, right from the pot or container, without feeling guilty about not setting a good example. Granted, I can still do some of these things, but that requires me to wait until my daughter goes to bed – so I miss being a messy sloth at a reasonable hour.

And no, I do not actually hate date nights, but sometimes I just cherish the thought of not being with the kid AND NOT having to talk to someone more. I just do not want to think about or plan conversations (we have to or else we end up spending the entire evening talking about the kid). Besides, date nights usually involve planning, they require dinner reservations, or movie/show tickets, which means we must agree to a movie and a time; and even without these things, dates require booking a babysitter (sometimes this must be done months in advance...).

Alone time involves a bowl of food, of some sort, pyjamas and a television remote – no child care is needed because the other parent has the kid.

So now, every once in a while, for the sake of my sanity, I ask my husband to take the small child out for the day or evening. I like to tell myself that I am doing this because it is good for them to have some daddy and daughter time.

In reality, I use this time alone to recharge my batteries. Sometimes I even miss them a little bit. Now if missing them a little, along with a little break, allows me to be a better and more attentive parent, can you imagine what a wonderful parent I will be if I get a week off!

(To be honest, there is no way I will last a week without my family, but a night or two is worth a try...)

Two words that drive me batty...

I WANT.

I think these two words should be removed from a child's vocabulary; especially when used in combination with a whiny voice. Nothing grates on my nerves these days like hearing the words “I want” coming out of my child's mouth.

Seriously, whatever happened to: mommy, may I please or mommy, I would like...

Did I wake up one morning and suddenly went from mommy to servant? Oh wait, servants get paid and have the potential to quit if their boss is being an ass. I now rank beneath a servant.

When did my little girl become a little tyrant? Mommy, do this; mommy, I want; mommy, get me the, mommy, mommy, mommy....

And yes, though I realize that I should hold firm and say no, and make wait for her to ask politely, I am also too tired to deal with another temper tantrum or some whiny tirade. But now, enough is enough, this behaviour cannot be tolerated, and I definitely do not want it to get worse (unless mommy starts seeing some green or some sort of compensation).

So currently, neither my daughter or I are getting what we want. I think we have to settle with being miserable together.

As I am now in a whiny complaining mood myself, here is a partial list of what this mommy wants:

• I want some peace and quiet in the morning, and in the afternoon and the evening too
• I want sleep
• I want someone else to cook dinner, do laundry, and clean...
• I want my pre-baby body
• I want to have a meal without begging, or yelling, and in restaurants, I want to leave before the table that came in after us
• I want to not feel rushed to get home by 9pm
• I want to not feel that 9 pm is very late
• I want a thank you once in a while
• I want to leave the house without feeling rushed
• I want a well behaved child who does not whine and say I want...

But here is the thing I want most in life: I want my daughter to grow up to be a good person. I want her to be happy and proud of who she is.

Oh! And financial security does not hurt either.

What are some of the things that annoy you and what do you want?

Me time

So after the last post about trying to get things done while my kid is at school... this week, I decided to say screw it. I am taking some time for myself and do stuff I want (mainly surf aimlessly on the Internet for hours). Next week, I might just rent me a chick flick and watch it in the middle of the day.

Now, I just have to get over the guilt of not vacuuming, dusting, doing the dishes and folding that pile of laundry in my room.

One day, I will learn to find a way and do a bit of both. But for now, I am going to sit here, with my coffee, enjoy the fall sunshine, type away on my computer...

... and then quickly run inside and finish putting away the clothes before I have to pick the kid up again.

Time

Today officially marks my daughter's first week back to school (she started on Thursday). So, this also marks my first week of having more 'free time'.

I would like to ask what free time? It feels like I am busier than ever.

At first, even I thought that I will have more time to do stuff for me, like write on this blog, but nope. I have been busy cleaning the house, getting the groceries done, prepping for lunch and dinner, and then repeat. Granted, I am now able to do these things faster as I no longer have to entertain a little one, but it still takes time.

It is amazing how fast two hours fly by. I should probably start thinking of getting ready to walk up the hill again to pick her up. And, yes, her school is at the top of a hill and it takes 15 min to walk up it. I found out I can do it in about 5 min if I run, but I NEVER want to do that again.

So, with all my 'free time', my parents have started hinting maybe I should look into a part time job, or just a job, or even go back to school, like I need another degree. But I do have a job, I started to freelance (write) again, which I love, but sometimes (okay all the time) I have trouble writing on a schedule – so the words do not always come during the two hours of alone time that I have.

Anyway, for my parents' sake, if someone out there would like to give me a 'regular' job that allows me to work in two hour blocks – i.e. 9 – 11 (okay, 10:30 because I have to go pick up the child) and then 1 – 3:30 twice a week, feel free to give me a shout.

Discipline and Punishment

Okay, I know the theory and the reasoning behind discipline and punishment. One is about guidance and teaching, while the later, let’s face it… is about revenge.

Now the problem is about application.

It is very hard to think about discipline when I am a seething ball of rage, and all I can think about is throttling my little one’s throat, like the way Homer does to Bart. Now, I have and probably will NEVER lay a hand on my child, but that does not stop the angry mom in me from thinking about it.

The other problem is that sometimes the logical consequences for discipline is punishing me!

Take for example the other day… my child decided to take forever to eat her lunch, and I was trying to rush her a bit because she has camp (an activity that she thoroughly enjoys). The logical thing to do would be to stay calm and tell her that if she does not finish, there would be no camp. Then I thought about it. If I do not let her go to camp, it would mean I would be stuck with her for the rest of the afternoon… I know, I can take her lunch away, but I think that would actually be a reward for her. And, I am pretty sure my child can last for days (or long enough for someone to call child services on me) and not eat.

So, I walked her to camp. But, during the walk, I was so angry that I was afraid to hold her little hand fearing that I would squeeze it too tight.

Normally, I am not this angry over slow eating, but she has been like this for a couple of days, and she was not eating because she was not paying attention. I think I hit my breaking point when she started to give me attitude when I asked her (nicely) to eat faster. Honestly, when was it okay for a four year old to talk back to her parents?

So, I really do not know what to do. Most of the time, she is a very good girl. She is just stubborn (like both her mom and dad), especially once she is determined to do something.

So here is hoping that she will apply this stubbornness and determination to being a doctor or lawyer…

Summertime blues…

When I was a kid, I LOVED summer vacation – no school; sleeping in; hanging out with friends; hanging out in front of the TV; being a lazy blob… what is there not to love?

And then I became a parent…

I now view summer vacation with a slight sense of dread. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my kid, but I also love the couple of hours that I have to myself while she is in school.I need that time to run errands and to clean the house; okay, who am I kidding, I need those hours to watch useless crap on youtube.

Now, she is officially out of school. And, not only do I lose my Internet time; I feel I must find ways to entertain her. Unfortunately, this leads to my second problem… I am a bit of an obsessive planner and scheduler (I blame this on my father). I will plan when my daughter has time to breathe if I can. Also, I like things to run on MY time – if ‘fun’ time starts at 10:00, then it has to start at 10:00, not 9:59, and sure as hell not 10:01…

Now, my child usually will not follow a schedule (willingly), no matter how prettily colour coded I make it – the child does not feel the sense of urgency about anything; I am pretty sure the house can be on fire, and she will still insist on taking half an hour to put on her shoes herself. I, on the other hand, will start feeling anxious if I am slightly thrown off my carefully laid out plan. Not that either of these extremes is a good thing.

This brings us back to why I use to love summer… the potential to do nothing, and everything.So, this summer, I am going to try to take it easy with my little one and see what she wants to do and go from there. We do have a couple of weekend getaways in the early stages of planning, and she does have a couple of weeks of camps booked, but the rest of the summer is FREE!

So, here’s to sleeping in, playing at the park, digging in the sand, biking to nowhere, going on adventures, doing absolutely nothing, and especially the weeks when she is at camp so that I get my couple of hours back.

so not for small children

I love this book

And, I can definitely identify with the father in this story, as I sit here watching my child NOT sleep. I know I will never actually tell my child to go the fu*k to sleep, but I admit it, I thought about it. I thought about swearing at her when she is really bad too, but I would never do it (at least not until she is much older). Granted I have never been much of a swearer even before the child - though you should watch out for a child that says bloody hell a lot….

Anyway, back to the book…the only thing better than this book, is Samuel L Jackson reading it! (look it up in youtube, it is GREAT!)

And, I too am going to go the fu*k to sleep now. Goodnight.

To Clean or Not to Clean…. I choose only clean when you have to….

Ahhh… today is one of those rainy, lazy, stay at home days. You know, those days that you want to wrap yourself up in a blanket, with a hot drink in hand, and a comfy spot in front of the television all day.

On the other hand, today is also one those rainy days that I should probably get started on the ever growing list of things I have to do around the house… like actually being able to see my dining room table underneath the mountain of newspapers, fliers, and possibly those polite letters asking for money….

I have read those tips on how to keep your home tidy in ten minutes a day, and how to keep you house and life organized. Yeah right, I think I was able to follow those suggestions for about ten minutes before something else distracts me (including writing this blog at this very moment).

The only thing that ever works for me, when it comes tidying the house, is to invite people over; and I mean people, as in, not family (my family is so accustomed to my level of messiness that if they do not see dirty socks in the hallway, they already think the house has been cleaned).

So I admit it, the main reason why I entertain is to get my ass in gear to clean and tidy the house. So welcome spring, welcome BBQ season, and welcome to a cleaner house.

Note:

We do not live in a complete pigsty. I do the laundry regularly; we all have clean underwear (most of the time). And, we eat from clean dishes, granted the dishes are pulled right from the drying rack and never off the shelves… and occasionally, you will hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner coming from my house.

I admit it; I am a Facebook game addict...

I use to spend hours playing Facebook games. I farmed, built restaurants, created frontiers… I usually only did these things while my child was asleep, and usually only after I finished doing what I have to do (like paying the bills), which also meant that at 1am, I am farming, building restaurants and chopping trees….

I do not even remember how or why I got addicted to these games. I have a feeling it is because of the simplicity of these games; I sit there, click a couple of buttons, and things happen, sometimes I even get rewarded with points and stuff. These games are my slot machines.

I really enjoyed the simple mindlessness when I play. After a long day of entertaining a pre-schooler (even if it was a good day) my brain is just too tired to think, so much so that even reality TV takes too much effort for me to follow the ‘plot’. And, there is an additional bonus to these games: in these games, I get to CONTROL what happens. I have come to realize that my little one is definitely her own little person now, with very STRONG opinions of her own (not that I mind most of the time, but once in a while, it is just nice to ask her to wash her hands and not have to deal with the ‘why’s’).

Well it is now time for me to say goodbye and goodnight to the games, and to find some other thing to do, like reading (reading something with more than two sentences per page), writing more, or maybe finishing some of those knitting projects that I have started. Yes, I know I am replacing one addiction with another, but hopefully this is a healthier addiction.

Besides, my computer slows to a grinding halt each time I try to load one of those Facebook games… OR maybe I just need a new computer to play…

The other relationship in my life...

Yes, today is Valentine’s Day, but instead of writing about how much I love my little one (whom I love more than anything in the world; and I tell her that almost everyday, not just once a year), I decided to write about my other relationship…. The one with SLEEP.

Dear Sleep,

I have noticed that in the last few years, we have started to spend more time apart. I try not neglect you, but life has gotten in the way. I am so sorry. I feel bad for letting you sneak down my priority list, somewhere below laundry, dishes, and cleaning, but please know, that in my heart you are still on top.

We really should work on our relationship. I remember when we use to have little quickies in the afternoon, but now prepping for dinner has gotten in our way. There really does not seem to be enough hours in the day for us anymore.

I know it is mainly my fault. I can spend a bit less time in front of the computer and more time with you, but sometimes, staying up late, is the only time I have for myself, and I do treasure that time.

I remember reading this article a couple of years ago and thought these women were crazy for neglecting you… and now that I think back, I was probably reading the article at midnight. Apparently, I was already putting you aside.

So this year, I will try to spend more time with you and less time on Facebook, or Twitter… or maybe I will just clean less….

Let us see if we can fix this, I no longer want to feel like two ships passing in the night; I want quality time together. I know we will both feel better.

I miss you.

Love Always,