Feeling like a parent...

So this year we decided to make my daughter's halloween costume. Next year, we will most likely be buying one for her....

Anyway, I realize while I was swearing about how hard it is to thread a needle at 11:00 at night that it was moments like these that really make me feel like a parent.

Little moments like stuffing Valentine's day envelopes for her when she was in pre-school, baking cookies at midnight for her class because someone forgot to tell me about a class party the next day, or making a halloween costume, are, oddly, what makes me feel most like a mom.

You would think feeling like a mom should occur when I am actually parenting. However, I consider those moments more like emergency triage situations.... we do what we must to survive. I am too busy trying to keep her alive to consider my own feelings (okay I admit I probably do feel a bit of shame during the times that I completely lost my temper).

Or, you would think that it should be the moments that I spend time with her and doing fun things together that would make me feel like a parent. But at those time, I am so concentrated on her, and hopefully having fun together, that I do not really think much about being a parent either.

So what we are left with are the little quiet moments like sewing back together stuffies, or packing tomorrow's lunch that makes me feel parental. I think these moments without her allows me to actually take a moment to breathe and to reflect about what my life is like now. And for the most part, I am pretty happy being where I am.

We no longer negotiate with children in this house...

Well maybe sometimes... and maybe if they are well behaved and quiet....

I declare that in my house, we are no longer a democracy, but a dictatorship, and I am the dictator (okay... co-dictator... the other parent has a say too...sometimes...). This house shall no longer be ruled by an eight-year-old tyrant.

I am just so tired of asking for things over, and over, and over, and over again. And these are not even big, time consuming, absolutely no fun things like clean your room. All I want is for my daughter to wash her hands and come to dinner. This should not take twenty minutes.

Though I want to encourage my daughter's preparation to become a lawyer (the child tries to find any technicality to weasel her way or bargain her way out of doing things), the countless minutes/hours of negotiating with her to do the littlest thing is grating on my nerves. Why must everything be done in “five minutes, mom?” which in child time spans can range from anywhere from an actual five minutes to half an hour.

All I want is a couple of days in a roll (I have even given up the hope of it lasting a full week) of me not leaving my house in the morning angry, because we wasted half our morning 'negotiating' an extra five minutes of TV or five minutes of petting the dog, which if you think about it is not that bad, but my daughter is a dawdler and is easily distracted, by air molecules... that extra 10 minutes is the difference between a leisurely, happy stroll to school or a mad dash up the hill.

I have tried the natural consequences route. I have explained it to her, repeatedly, that if she eats a bit faster or skips her television show, she can play with the puppy longer; or if she does not want to play with the puppy that is fine too, then she can have more TV. I have tried the not rushing thing and just show up late to school. Guess what, she does not care. She whines a bit about being late, which is annoying, but in the end she runs in, sees her friends and forgets all about it.

So I have now put my foot down. She will do what I say when I say it.

However, my problem is that I do not want her to grow up and just blindly follow orders (with the exception of mine, of course). I want her to question authority if she feels that something is wrong. I want her to be able to stand up and think for herself and to find her voice.

But my feeling is that she is still in single digits, and for now, mommy does know better in some things, so she really should listen and do what mommy tells her to, for now. However I told her that she can always ask me why I told her to do certain things after she does them. In fact, I encourage her to always ask me why, but after. And, I promised her that if she shows that she is listening better, she can start asking 'why' before she does the thing, and maybe we can negotiate about starting to negotiate again.

Almost naughty mommy moment...

Every night I check on my daughter before I go to bed. I usually find her in some odd sleeping position (never in the position that I put her in bed), snuggled up with her stuffies and blankets.

She looks so angelic sleeping, probably dreaming of fairies and princesses, or pirates and dinosaurs or maybe a princess dinosaur pirate fairy... who knows...

And so, there she is in bed, all peaceful, innocent, with not a care in the world... and that is when I want to do it...

There are so many times when a little naughty imp in me thinks it will be very funny to wake her up in the middle of the night and pretend it is time to get up for school (keep in mind it is still summer vacation).

I know it is mean, but come on, she kept me from sleeping through the night for at least a year and a half.

But to this day, I simply give her a kiss, tell her I love her, and walk out the door...

However, it does not mean I will never try this little prank...  

Summer vacation....

So it has been a little more than a month since I came home from my “grown up” vacation. Though it feels like the trip happened eons ago.

I think I am still suffering a bit from the post-vacation blues. It does not help that it is now the end of the school year, which means... my schedule and quiet mornings will now more or less disappear until September (YEAH! For summer camps!).

As much as I complain, I really do enjoy spending time with my daughter.

It is just that I do not have the patience or the personality to be a full time playmate to my little girl. I do okay as her mother (most of the time... I think...), but for the most part, I am just not a great friend for a kid... I cannot play pretend for hours; I have trouble following where her imagination takes her; and I am way too out of shape to chase her around the playground. I am great though at reading stories; doing a quiet craft; packing a picnic lunch; oh! and I am an expert at taking a quiet nap together.

As I write and reread over this entry, it got me to think that I really should approach this summer with a new attitude. So no longer will I dread summer vacations. I shall try to see it as an opportunity or an adventure. My kid still wants to hang out with me! I should really just enjoy this time, and just see where the summer will take us.

March Break Mommy Brain

So I did it. It really was only a matter of time before it happened.

Last week, I sent my daughter to a class that did not actually exist.

Yep, we woke up early on a Saturday morning; rushed through our morning routine (I probably yelled at her to hurry her up); then I tightly pulled her hair into a bun; woke up her father, who gulped down his coffee; and finally I sent them both running out the door to ballet class.

As soon as they left, I leaned back, sighed, and had my second cup of coffee and started to relax. Then the phone call came...

Husband - “.... Hun... are you sure she has class today? The doors are locked...”

Me - “What do you mean the doors are locked? I read the email... they are only taking a break from Tuesday until Thursday. Hang on... I will check the email again.”

dramatic pause

Me - “sh*t – Tuesday until the Thursday after March break.... sorry”

Considering how many programs my daughter has been in over her short lifespan, I am actually shocked that I do not do this more often.

I can blame my mind slip on many things: being overwhelmed, being tired after March Break, desperately needing to have the house to myself... But really there is only one person at fault here – ME. I was not doing the thing I tell my daughter to do everyday – pay attention.

Lesson learned. And, I believe my little one gets to get away with not paying attention this week, at least once. Also, I guess it is time for me to get a new calendar.

Happy New Year and being unprepared....

I usually start off my new year with my anti-resolution list, but this year, I decided to do something different. Okay, I really did not think much about the list. It was a very busy holiday season, with power outages, no heat, unexpected guests, and then a 'vacation' (you know, the ones that require a week to recover from). I barely had time to register that we have actually started a new year!

However, instead of just sitting around and contemplating my list of wishes for this year, I decided to try and start this year by just writing. Or as I like to call it, get my ass in gear instead of procrastinating by watching hours of Youtube videos, well maybe one more of that really cute puppy trying hard not to fall asleep.....

Anyway, a very long time ago, I wrote about travelling with a small child. I would now like to continue that thought by adding a couple of packing essentials: a thermometer; children fever medicine and children anti-nausea medication.

And how do I know these are essentials? Simple, I did not pack them.

My family and I went to a resort a bit north of our home over the holidays. We drove. The resort was in an area with shopping malls and big box stores. So I figured, if we forgot anything, we can always go out to buy it.

Of course, it did not occur to me that my child will get sick on the one day during our vacation where NOTHING was opened. Yep, my daughter started throwing up and feeling awfully warm on New Year's DAY! (Actually, if she was considerate and got sick half an hour earlier, I could had stilled made it to the drugstore before they closed....).

So my husband and I ended up spending our New Year's reminiscing about our youth... the last time he held someone's hair back over a toilet was mine... And we got to stay up all night, granted there was no party, but instead, a 2am cool bath to try and bring the little one's fever down. Let us say it was a memorable way to start the new year. I hope for much less exciting days and nights in the future.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Oh! The small child was fine the next day, actually it was probably a great new year for her; she got about 10 hours of uninterrupted television watching, no one forced her to eat anything, and all the ginger ale that she wanted to drink...

Post Mother's Day thoughts....

Nothing quite says Happy Mother's Day like an early morning scream from your child's bedroom. The good news was that she was not hurt; she just had an 'accident'. Really, does the child not realize she has a father as well...

The last time my daughter had an 'accident' was more than a year ago... so why Mother's Day of all days...

Since I was up early, I started to think about if this was what I pictured motherhood to be... while grumbling and swearing under my breath as I loaded the laundry machine.

Actually to everyone's surprise, including mine, and especially my mother (which does not say much about my mother's opinion of me), I LOVE being a mom.

I love spending time with my daughter. I love watching her grow, do, and learn new things. I love watching the ever changing expressions on her little face. I love watching her create and make stuff. I love the hundreds and thousands of ugly crafts that she brings home from school – even if most of them end up in the recycling. I even sometimes love it when she is being a little bit naughty, as she finds really interesting and creative ways to be naughty (but that will be our secret)

However, I still have moments of doubt, of what in the world did I sign myself up for. And, moments when I think about handing in my resignation.

I admit there are times when my child frustrates me to the point that I just want to yell to her that “I QUIT! You think you know better, fine, you are on your own kid.”

I think I might have actually done that once or a dozen times... I am not proud of this. I know there are better ways of communicating my displeasure than to give my child an abandonment complex. But, I have a bad temper, and though I try very hard to control it, sometimes I still explode. I do apologize to her after, and explain that mommy did not mean the things she said, but mommy was very upset, and when you are upset, sometimes you end up saying things to hurt people. Usually by then I am calm enough to talk it out again.

So this mother's day, I will make my daughter this promise (I am probably repeating my new year's promises). I will try very hard to never say I will leave her ever again, at least not indefinitely – I make no promises to stop threatening to send her to her grandparents' or aunt's house overnight until I calm down. I promise to try to calm down and to spend more time listening and less time yelling/nagging at her. And, I promise to try to be the best mommy that I can be for her. And if this does not work, I am packing my bags and moving to Hawaii...

Does anyone have a suggestion to help me calm down before I start yelling at my little girl? So far, I am resorting to 'mommy timeouts' – I lock myself in my room for 5 min (preferably with wine) to attempt to calm down before dealing with her again.

Screw Date Nights

One of the things that I miss most from the time before I was a mom, and before I was married (which was so long ago that I had a pet dinosaur named Chompy) was having time by myself.

I confess that I am actually all by myself as I am typing this. However, I am constantly staring at the little clock at the top of my screen to make sure I pick my daughter up from school on time.

So, to be more specific, I miss having stress free, unscheduled time by myself. I miss being able to do what I want without the constant sound of a ticking clock reminding me that I have to drop my daughter off or pick her from school,a play date, a class ...

I miss eating crappy (but tasty), food in front of the television, right from the pot or container, without feeling guilty about not setting a good example. Granted, I can still do some of these things, but that requires me to wait until my daughter goes to bed – so I miss being a messy sloth at a reasonable hour.

And no, I do not actually hate date nights, but sometimes I just cherish the thought of not being with the kid AND NOT having to talk to someone more. I just do not want to think about or plan conversations (we have to or else we end up spending the entire evening talking about the kid). Besides, date nights usually involve planning, they require dinner reservations, or movie/show tickets, which means we must agree to a movie and a time; and even without these things, dates require booking a babysitter (sometimes this must be done months in advance...).

Alone time involves a bowl of food, of some sort, pyjamas and a television remote – no child care is needed because the other parent has the kid.

So now, every once in a while, for the sake of my sanity, I ask my husband to take the small child out for the day or evening. I like to tell myself that I am doing this because it is good for them to have some daddy and daughter time.

In reality, I use this time alone to recharge my batteries. Sometimes I even miss them a little bit. Now if missing them a little, along with a little break, allows me to be a better and more attentive parent, can you imagine what a wonderful parent I will be if I get a week off!

(To be honest, there is no way I will last a week without my family, but a night or two is worth a try...)

Is there fun in fundraising?

It is that time of year again... and I do not mean Fall... It is the time of year that I start receiving emails and letters asking for money, donations, and volunteer time from my daughter's school. I believe in helping to enhance my kid's education, and think getting involved is a good idea... but...

I am a lazy person. There, I said it. I also procrastinate, and have a great talent for being able to accomplish nothing for long periods of time (but that is another story).

Anyway, being lazy means I do not always like to help out at school, and when I do help, I would like to do the least amount of work as possible. I also complain, as in bitch, a lot.

However, despite the complaints/bitching, I think deep down I do kind of like volunteering. I really like hanging out with some of the mothers (and nannies) at the school, and volunteering means that I can talk, okay gossip, with them for more than the five minutes we have during drop-offs and pick-ups, and who knows, I may actually get to meet new people.

And, last year, I volunteered once every two weeks in my kid's class. It was a great opportunity to see her at 'work' and to meet her little friends; and I can now match faces to names (my daughter likes to call every kid she meets 'friend' so we have lots of 'friends' but no real way to tell them apart, which makes scheduling play dates challenging – here is our typical conversation: daughter, “My friend invited me to her house.” Me, “Great, what's her name?” Daughter, “I don't know... my friend, the one with the hair...”). Being in the class was actually a lot of fun, as long as I armed myself with lots of headache medication prior to entering the classroom...

So, I guess I really should stop whining and just embrace helping out more. I want to teach my daughter that helping others and being involved in your community is a good thing.

On the other hand, as one the other moms suggested, I am also quite happy to just write the school a cheque at the beginning of the school year and forego this fundraising stuff.

Now, if you please excuse me... I have to go bake some cookies...  

Another school year is over

It seems like only yesterday when I held her little hand, walked her up the steep hill, and then let her go with, well, essentially a stranger. And now, I am a little reluctant to let that former stranger, now beloved teacher, return my child back to me.

Ah... summer vacation... days off for little ones (and big ones), but more work for mom. It is once again my job to entertain her.

I love spending time with my daughter, but I also enjoy and need my time, alone, away from her. Sometimes my ears just need a break (my little one is, as my husband likes to call her, a “constant stream of consciousness”).

I am so going to miss my morning breaks when I can do things like clean, go grocery shopping, have some peace and quiet, stare at Youtube videos, and yes, even occasionally blog!

At least I am better prepared for it this year. We signed her up for three weeks of camp, spaced throughout the summer (one at the beginning, middle, and end). Last year, I was still booking her for August camps in July (late July)... And, I am smart, or evil; I put her favourite camp (ballet) last, so that I have something to threaten her with during these long months... the 'if you do not behave, I am going to cancel ballet camp!'

I think camp will be good for both of us. I like the idea that she will meet new friends, and maybe even learn something; and being away from me should hopefully help ease the shock of going back to school in September.

And for me, I think camp will allow me to keep my sanity, and would probably make me a happier, less bitchy mommy, which should make everyone happy.

Now.... how many days are there left until September....

What are your summer plans?

To correct or not to correct...

I know it is my job as a parent to teach my child, and to 'correct' her when she is doing something wrong.

However, sometimes I find it very hard to do that; especially when it comes to the way she speaks.

My little one is getting older now, and she is losing the last vestiges of her 'baby talk', so I am finding it more and more difficult to correct her pronunciation of certain words (I do try to correct grammar, though that might actually do more harm than good).

I just REALLY miss hearing her say lellow (instead of yellow).

We are trying to help her communicate better with words so that other adults have a chance of understanding her, and are actively trying to remove the 'likes and okays' from her sentences to try to avoid the “like okay mom, like okay, you are so like not cool...”

However, I just cannot let go of her cute little 'words'. It feels almost like I am saying goodbye to my baby, and I am not sure if I am ready to say hello to my little big girl yet.

So, the only thing I have left these days are my “isgusting's” (instead of disgusting), and I plan to protect them as long as I can. And, I do not care who it 'isgusts'.

Kids and talent and parental obsession

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be really good at something. Not that I suck at everything now, but I find that I do not really excel at anything either. I always felt that if I had found my talent or passion, it would had made my life a bit easier, at least made finding a career that I can stick with easier.

So now, I find myself overcompensating with my daughter. I know you are not suppose to re-live your own life via your children, but it is hard to resist that temptation. No one wants their kids to live through their mistakes; and everyone wants their own children's dreams to come true.

I can now easily see how people end up with musical instruments that no one plays in every room, loads of half finished painted canvases, smelly old sports equipment in a pile somewhere in the basement, and incomplete science experiments growing in the fridge. We already started our musical instrument collection with a lovely pink guitar that has not been touched since the day it was opened at Christmas, and a small violin that is sitting on a dining room chair at this very moment.

I am sure there is a fine line between allowing your child to explore their potential talents, and dragging your child kicking and screaming down a certain path, or even going down the slippery slope that will lead to remortgaging the house to afford skating lessons. Wish someone will tell me where that line is.

Anyway, my daughter's newest obsession is photography. We let her use one of our old digital cameras to take pictures of anything she finds interesting. I think some of her pictures turned out really good.

So as a proud mama bear, here is a small gallery of my daughter's pictures:

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go out and buy her a new camera.

Does your child have a talent? What do you do to encourage it without going overboard?

All pictures are the property of my little monkey

video games, giving in to evil?

I finally gave in. I bought my kid a video game, not a video game I wanted and that she might be interested in. A video game just for her.

I know there are countless studies out there that says video games are bad for kids – increases violent tendencies and aggression, decreases interest in school, increases antisocial tendencies, possible increase risk for depression, increases risk for obesity; and creates urges to jump on

things that look like mushrooms... (okay, maybe not that last one).

But here is the thing - and keep in mind, I love my daughter more than anything in the world - the child has NO hand-eye coordination. And yes, I know there are better ways to improve hand-eye coordination, like taking her outside (which we do lots of already, the child is a great climber) and playing more 'sports' with her, or just throwing things at her, but apparently getting hit in the face (it was one of those soft Nerf balls), has neither taught her to catch better or to get out of the way.

So, I figure maybe playing a video game may help her learn to react a little bit better; without the risk of physical injury. Okay, she can still fall off the couch, but at least it is not mom throwing a ball at her face again (and no I was not aiming at her face, if I was aiming at her face, it would had probably hit her feet... this may explain the whole lack of hand-eye coordination thing).

The other reason for the video game is, sigh, I am pretty sure we have now said goodbye to nap time. She may not need her afternoon nap, but I need it. I need a little break, if anything, just to prep dinner and maybe have some coffee or tea before afternoon 'activities' start again. I figure a bit of video game time may be slightly better than just watching television. At least video games requires some thinking. My feeling is maybe a couple times a week, half-an-hour of television or video game time and then an hour of 'quiet', meaning leave mommy alone time, should be okay (I hope).

And, it is not like I bought her Grand Theft Auto. She got a Dora the Explorer game.

The last reason why I am getting her a video game, and I am the one bowing to peer pressure on this one, a lot of her little friends are playing video games (luckily her close friends are not). I would feel bad that when the time (I am pretty sure this is not an 'if' situation) comes for her to visit a friend's house and they end up playing a video game together, I really don't want her to get her ass whipped.

photo courtesy of stocker

Two words that drive me batty...

I WANT.

I think these two words should be removed from a child's vocabulary; especially when used in combination with a whiny voice. Nothing grates on my nerves these days like hearing the words “I want” coming out of my child's mouth.

Seriously, whatever happened to: mommy, may I please or mommy, I would like...

Did I wake up one morning and suddenly went from mommy to servant? Oh wait, servants get paid and have the potential to quit if their boss is being an ass. I now rank beneath a servant.

When did my little girl become a little tyrant? Mommy, do this; mommy, I want; mommy, get me the, mommy, mommy, mommy....

And yes, though I realize that I should hold firm and say no, and make wait for her to ask politely, I am also too tired to deal with another temper tantrum or some whiny tirade. But now, enough is enough, this behaviour cannot be tolerated, and I definitely do not want it to get worse (unless mommy starts seeing some green or some sort of compensation).

So currently, neither my daughter or I are getting what we want. I think we have to settle with being miserable together.

As I am now in a whiny complaining mood myself, here is a partial list of what this mommy wants:

• I want some peace and quiet in the morning, and in the afternoon and the evening too
• I want sleep
• I want someone else to cook dinner, do laundry, and clean...
• I want my pre-baby body
• I want to have a meal without begging, or yelling, and in restaurants, I want to leave before the table that came in after us
• I want to not feel rushed to get home by 9pm
• I want to not feel that 9 pm is very late
• I want a thank you once in a while
• I want to leave the house without feeling rushed
• I want a well behaved child who does not whine and say I want...

But here is the thing I want most in life: I want my daughter to grow up to be a good person. I want her to be happy and proud of who she is.

Oh! And financial security does not hurt either.

What are some of the things that annoy you and what do you want?

Different solutions to the same problem

Sometimes I am really, really proud of my daughter, other times not so much... but for the most part, I am proud. And sometimes, I am surprised at how much more mature she is about responding to certain situations than I am.

This is one of them...

My daughter was not looking as happy as she usually does when I picked her up from school one day. She told me a little kid in her class tried to hit her. After giving her a hug and establishing that hitting is wrong, the next thing I did was to see whether this was done intentionally (even accidental physical contact is a big no to my daughter).

Okay, I feel bad that the first thought in my head was to doubt her interpretation of the event. I realize little kids are sometimes clumsy, and to be honest, my little one is not always aware of her environment, and so may have merely gotten in the way of a moving child.

Anyway, the incident was not accidental, and the kid did not actually hit her; just tried. I was upset, and told her what the kid (though the word brat and other more colourful adjectives were running through my mind at that point) did was wrong, and if it happens again, just tell him NO, you do not like that, in a big voice, and then go tell a teacher.

A couple of days later, I noticed that the little kid was once again bothering her in the playground. I was about to step in to physically remove the child, when I heard a little big voice yelling NO! I do not like that! And there she was standing up tall, and most importantly standing up for herself, and the kid walked away.

Well all was good for a couple of weeks after that, until I picked her up from school one day and saw her sad little face again...

Apparently, not only did the same kid hit her again, this time he spat in her face. Okay, I admit that my child can be a little annoying and patronizing at times, but no matter what she did, NO ONE should be spat on in the face. I think the kid was lucky that I did not find him at that moment.

After calming down, and talking to her, which involved lots of hugs and kisses, I contacted her teacher to let her know what is going on, and then started to think of a solution to this big problem.

This was my solution: if this kid tries to do this again, you have my permission to deck the kid and maybe kick them in the shins or other places that hurt. Or better yet, I will deal with the kid myself. I know this is wrong, so I did not really say this to her, but I was thinking it.

This was her solution(s): avoid the kid. And, make friends with the kid.

Okay, her solution is better than mine, and she came up with it all by herself!

Epilogue

Things seem to be better between my child and the kid. Though there is still the occasional incident, she seems to be handling it okay, with the help of her other friends. But beware kid, if my daughter's solution does not work, we are going with my plan.

The inner tiger escapes

I think I just had my first tiger mom moment, at least the first that I am consciously aware of.

So there I was, sitting with my child, at her little homework table, making her copy a simple pattern that I drew on a piece of paper. And, at some point, I told her that she was not to leave this spot until she got the pattern right. I think we sat there anywhere from 30 min to an hour.

This was definitely one of my not-so-proud parenting moments. I forgot to mention this happened in the evening, and I knew she was tired (we were all tired), and still I could not help but to push.

I just did not know what else to do.

My daughter is a pretty smart little girl, and can pick up a lot of things pretty easily; when she wants to. My husband and I often joke that she can probably start doing calculus now if she puts her mind to it. It is the 'when she wants to' that is becoming the problem. If she is not in the mood to do something, and it is not coming easily to her, she will just give up. I do not want her to go through life and just give up on every obstacle. I explained to her that not everything is easy, and sometimes it takes many tries to get really good at something. But, there she was, at her desk, half-assing the picture and telling me that she could not do it. It was not like I was asking her to recreate the Sistine Chapel, it was two little parallel lines.

So I pushed and pushed and said no to little mistakes. I am proud that there was no yelling the entire time; just lots of 'no, please try again'. Okay, I am very ashamed of the threats though – the there would be no time for a bath if you take any longer to do this (the child does not like to be dirty) and the if you do not at least try, what is the point of you going to school, maybe you should just stay home and be a blob (she also really likes school).

It broke my heart when the tears started to come, but I decided that this time, I will show her that mom will not give up on her, and she will not give up either. She does not understands right now, but I think the worst thing I can do is to give up – even if all I want to do is to throw my hands up and go, you win, mommy gives up.

Yes, I think maybe we did go a little overboard over two little lines this time (I am also a big believer in picking your battles, maybe this time I picked the wrong one), but I just really wanted to make a point.

And yes, in the end, she drew the two little lines. It was not perfect, but it was close, which was all I was hoping for. The goal was for her to look, think, and most importantly try.

I really hope that I do not do this again (I doubt it though), and maybe I can find a better way to approach this next time (I would love to hear suggestions).

For now, the tiger is once again caged. But if it is needed, I still have the key.

photo courtesy of: MeiTeng