Post Mother's Day thoughts....

Nothing quite says Happy Mother's Day like an early morning scream from your child's bedroom. The good news was that she was not hurt; she just had an 'accident'. Really, does the child not realize she has a father as well...

The last time my daughter had an 'accident' was more than a year ago... so why Mother's Day of all days...

Since I was up early, I started to think about if this was what I pictured motherhood to be... while grumbling and swearing under my breath as I loaded the laundry machine.

Actually to everyone's surprise, including mine, and especially my mother (which does not say much about my mother's opinion of me), I LOVE being a mom.

I love spending time with my daughter. I love watching her grow, do, and learn new things. I love watching the ever changing expressions on her little face. I love watching her create and make stuff. I love the hundreds and thousands of ugly crafts that she brings home from school – even if most of them end up in the recycling. I even sometimes love it when she is being a little bit naughty, as she finds really interesting and creative ways to be naughty (but that will be our secret)

However, I still have moments of doubt, of what in the world did I sign myself up for. And, moments when I think about handing in my resignation.

I admit there are times when my child frustrates me to the point that I just want to yell to her that “I QUIT! You think you know better, fine, you are on your own kid.”

I think I might have actually done that once or a dozen times... I am not proud of this. I know there are better ways of communicating my displeasure than to give my child an abandonment complex. But, I have a bad temper, and though I try very hard to control it, sometimes I still explode. I do apologize to her after, and explain that mommy did not mean the things she said, but mommy was very upset, and when you are upset, sometimes you end up saying things to hurt people. Usually by then I am calm enough to talk it out again.

So this mother's day, I will make my daughter this promise (I am probably repeating my new year's promises). I will try very hard to never say I will leave her ever again, at least not indefinitely – I make no promises to stop threatening to send her to her grandparents' or aunt's house overnight until I calm down. I promise to try to calm down and to spend more time listening and less time yelling/nagging at her. And, I promise to try to be the best mommy that I can be for her. And if this does not work, I am packing my bags and moving to Hawaii...

Does anyone have a suggestion to help me calm down before I start yelling at my little girl? So far, I am resorting to 'mommy timeouts' – I lock myself in my room for 5 min (preferably with wine) to attempt to calm down before dealing with her again.

Screw Date Nights

One of the things that I miss most from the time before I was a mom, and before I was married (which was so long ago that I had a pet dinosaur named Chompy) was having time by myself.

I confess that I am actually all by myself as I am typing this. However, I am constantly staring at the little clock at the top of my screen to make sure I pick my daughter up from school on time.

So, to be more specific, I miss having stress free, unscheduled time by myself. I miss being able to do what I want without the constant sound of a ticking clock reminding me that I have to drop my daughter off or pick her from school,a play date, a class ...

I miss eating crappy (but tasty), food in front of the television, right from the pot or container, without feeling guilty about not setting a good example. Granted, I can still do some of these things, but that requires me to wait until my daughter goes to bed – so I miss being a messy sloth at a reasonable hour.

And no, I do not actually hate date nights, but sometimes I just cherish the thought of not being with the kid AND NOT having to talk to someone more. I just do not want to think about or plan conversations (we have to or else we end up spending the entire evening talking about the kid). Besides, date nights usually involve planning, they require dinner reservations, or movie/show tickets, which means we must agree to a movie and a time; and even without these things, dates require booking a babysitter (sometimes this must be done months in advance...).

Alone time involves a bowl of food, of some sort, pyjamas and a television remote – no child care is needed because the other parent has the kid.

So now, every once in a while, for the sake of my sanity, I ask my husband to take the small child out for the day or evening. I like to tell myself that I am doing this because it is good for them to have some daddy and daughter time.

In reality, I use this time alone to recharge my batteries. Sometimes I even miss them a little bit. Now if missing them a little, along with a little break, allows me to be a better and more attentive parent, can you imagine what a wonderful parent I will be if I get a week off!

(To be honest, there is no way I will last a week without my family, but a night or two is worth a try...)

Me time

So after the last post about trying to get things done while my kid is at school... this week, I decided to say screw it. I am taking some time for myself and do stuff I want (mainly surf aimlessly on the Internet for hours). Next week, I might just rent me a chick flick and watch it in the middle of the day.

Now, I just have to get over the guilt of not vacuuming, dusting, doing the dishes and folding that pile of laundry in my room.

One day, I will learn to find a way and do a bit of both. But for now, I am going to sit here, with my coffee, enjoy the fall sunshine, type away on my computer...

... and then quickly run inside and finish putting away the clothes before I have to pick the kid up again.

To my little darling...

Dear Little One,

I cannot believe that you are another year older! You are becoming such a big girl now, sorry, young lady! I barely remember what life was like before you. I do vaguely recall more sleep and being able to stay out past 9:00. But now, I will not trade you for anything in the world!

So my darling, here are some birthday promises that I would like to make to you. I promise that we will not always agree - I have a feeling this will get worse as you get older - but I will always try to keep an open mind and to listen to you. I promise that I will not be there to catch every fall, but I will always be there to help pick you up. And, most importantly, I PROMISE to LOVE you forever and ever (even if you do drive me crazy).

And here is my birthday wish for you: I wish you to grow up to be happy in whatever it is that you decide to do (even if it is becoming a fairy princess and not a lawyer...).

I still do not believe how big you are getting. And though I miss my little girl (I definitely DO NOT miss changing diapers), I am very much looking forward to meeting the little person you are becoming.

Love,

Mom

I admit it; I am a Facebook game addict...

I use to spend hours playing Facebook games. I farmed, built restaurants, created frontiers… I usually only did these things while my child was asleep, and usually only after I finished doing what I have to do (like paying the bills), which also meant that at 1am, I am farming, building restaurants and chopping trees….

I do not even remember how or why I got addicted to these games. I have a feeling it is because of the simplicity of these games; I sit there, click a couple of buttons, and things happen, sometimes I even get rewarded with points and stuff. These games are my slot machines.

I really enjoyed the simple mindlessness when I play. After a long day of entertaining a pre-schooler (even if it was a good day) my brain is just too tired to think, so much so that even reality TV takes too much effort for me to follow the ‘plot’. And, there is an additional bonus to these games: in these games, I get to CONTROL what happens. I have come to realize that my little one is definitely her own little person now, with very STRONG opinions of her own (not that I mind most of the time, but once in a while, it is just nice to ask her to wash her hands and not have to deal with the ‘why’s’).

Well it is now time for me to say goodbye and goodnight to the games, and to find some other thing to do, like reading (reading something with more than two sentences per page), writing more, or maybe finishing some of those knitting projects that I have started. Yes, I know I am replacing one addiction with another, but hopefully this is a healthier addiction.

Besides, my computer slows to a grinding halt each time I try to load one of those Facebook games… OR maybe I just need a new computer to play…

Why do I exercise?

Okay, I started to exercise the other day (confession… I exercise just about as regularly as I blog…), but it did get me to think about what type of message I am sending to my little girl. Let’s put it frankly, I am not exercising to feel healthier, or to get more energy, though those are excellent side benefits. I am working out because I am going to go on vacation and I want to look good in a swimsuit.

While I try very hard to teach my child that looks are not everything (she is currently a bit addicted to people calling her pretty…), and that we should try to exercise and to eat well for the sake of being healthy, and not to live up to some ideal body image; I turn around and sneak peaks at pretty glossy fashion magazines and wonder how the models get their tummies so flat… or if that fad diet really works….

So yes, I confess, I am a bit of a hypocrite…

But I really do want to teach her to feel good about her body, especially since she wants to be a ballerina when she grows up, granted, she also wants to be a princess fairy, so maybe I do not have that much to worry about when it comes to a career choice where body image/type is a pretty big issue.

So, I guess I will try to live by example and exercise and eat less junk food to feel healthier and to have more energy… looking better in my swimsuit will just be a nice side benefit….