Feeling like a parent...

So this year we decided to make my daughter's halloween costume. Next year, we will most likely be buying one for her....

Anyway, I realize while I was swearing about how hard it is to thread a needle at 11:00 at night that it was moments like these that really make me feel like a parent.

Little moments like stuffing Valentine's day envelopes for her when she was in pre-school, baking cookies at midnight for her class because someone forgot to tell me about a class party the next day, or making a halloween costume, are, oddly, what makes me feel most like a mom.

You would think feeling like a mom should occur when I am actually parenting. However, I consider those moments more like emergency triage situations.... we do what we must to survive. I am too busy trying to keep her alive to consider my own feelings (okay I admit I probably do feel a bit of shame during the times that I completely lost my temper).

Or, you would think that it should be the moments that I spend time with her and doing fun things together that would make me feel like a parent. But at those time, I am so concentrated on her, and hopefully having fun together, that I do not really think much about being a parent either.

So what we are left with are the little quiet moments like sewing back together stuffies, or packing tomorrow's lunch that makes me feel parental. I think these moments without her allows me to actually take a moment to breathe and to reflect about what my life is like now. And for the most part, I am pretty happy being where I am.

We no longer negotiate with children in this house...

Well maybe sometimes... and maybe if they are well behaved and quiet....

I declare that in my house, we are no longer a democracy, but a dictatorship, and I am the dictator (okay... co-dictator... the other parent has a say too...sometimes...). This house shall no longer be ruled by an eight-year-old tyrant.

I am just so tired of asking for things over, and over, and over, and over again. And these are not even big, time consuming, absolutely no fun things like clean your room. All I want is for my daughter to wash her hands and come to dinner. This should not take twenty minutes.

Though I want to encourage my daughter's preparation to become a lawyer (the child tries to find any technicality to weasel her way or bargain her way out of doing things), the countless minutes/hours of negotiating with her to do the littlest thing is grating on my nerves. Why must everything be done in “five minutes, mom?” which in child time spans can range from anywhere from an actual five minutes to half an hour.

All I want is a couple of days in a roll (I have even given up the hope of it lasting a full week) of me not leaving my house in the morning angry, because we wasted half our morning 'negotiating' an extra five minutes of TV or five minutes of petting the dog, which if you think about it is not that bad, but my daughter is a dawdler and is easily distracted, by air molecules... that extra 10 minutes is the difference between a leisurely, happy stroll to school or a mad dash up the hill.

I have tried the natural consequences route. I have explained it to her, repeatedly, that if she eats a bit faster or skips her television show, she can play with the puppy longer; or if she does not want to play with the puppy that is fine too, then she can have more TV. I have tried the not rushing thing and just show up late to school. Guess what, she does not care. She whines a bit about being late, which is annoying, but in the end she runs in, sees her friends and forgets all about it.

So I have now put my foot down. She will do what I say when I say it.

However, my problem is that I do not want her to grow up and just blindly follow orders (with the exception of mine, of course). I want her to question authority if she feels that something is wrong. I want her to be able to stand up and think for herself and to find her voice.

But my feeling is that she is still in single digits, and for now, mommy does know better in some things, so she really should listen and do what mommy tells her to, for now. However I told her that she can always ask me why I told her to do certain things after she does them. In fact, I encourage her to always ask me why, but after. And, I promised her that if she shows that she is listening better, she can start asking 'why' before she does the thing, and maybe we can negotiate about starting to negotiate again.

Unsolicited Advice...

Recently I learned that the only thing that will cause more people to give you advice than walking around with a baby/child, is walking around with a puppy.

Not that I do not appreciate the help, and sometimes the suggestions are actually quite useful; however, sometimes I just want to walk my dog; and thanks, but no thank you, I do not need you to teach him to sit/come/stay/down and even once swim....

Getting all this advice reminded me how easy it is to be influenced by other people, and how easy it is to start believing in certain things, like not vaccinating your children.

I admit, for one minute of my life I considered changing my child's vaccination schedule (I was never not going to vaccinate, I just considered waiting until she was bigger). I remembered this because some nice person told me all about when to neuter my puppy and to look up the information online.

Just like when my little one was small, I was once again completely sleep deprived, and when that happens, everything sounds slightly reasonable to me....

So I went home and looked up the studies regarding when to neuter my puppy. The science is actually a bit controversial. Yes there is some evidence that suggests you can reduce the chances of certain cancers, diseases, and problems if you neuter or spay later (if at all), however you increase the chances of other types of cancers, diseases and problems if you wait.

So I asked my vet about this during the pup's check up. I figured my vet spent years and probably lots of money going to vet school to learn about this sort of thing, while I spent maybe an hour on the internet... she would probably be a good person to ask. What she told me was it doesn't hurt to wait, but if my pup's behaviour changes, or other dogs are getting very aggressive with him, maybe it is time.

I know this had very little to do with the choice to vaccinate or not, but the situations were sort of similar. Back then, I was very much sleep deprived when I heard from somewhere about vaccines increasing the chances of autism. So I did what I usually do and looked on the internet (by the way, my uncle is a doctor and he repeatedly tells people to stop looking for medical advice on the internet, Dr. Google may convince you that you have ebola when you may just be suffering from seasonal allergies...).

Anyway, there they were on my screen, articles after articles on how vaccines were bad. Then being the suspicious person that I am I looked some more. For one thing I learned the biggest advocate for this movement (at that time) was Jenny McCarthy. Now... I am willing to take fashion and maybe beauty advice from celebrities, but I definitely draw the line at medical advice. So the more I looked - which really was probably me hitting page 2 on my google search - the more I learned about the methodology flaws, and other controversy over the paper where this whole vaccine-autism thing began. But the most important thing that I found was most international medical associations clearly state that vaccines do not cause autism (I said most because I never bothered looking them all up). So yes, my little one got vaccinated on schedule.

People mean well, but you know what they say about good intentions... I am sure the people who stop me and offer me suggestions on how to train my dog is only trying to help. And I have no doubt that people, including Jenny McCarthy who tell you not to vaccinate your children do not actually want your kids to get polio, diphtheria and other horrid diseases.

What I learned back when my little one was a baby, and was reminded about now, is that, it is important to listen to people, but a little scepticism is not a bad thing. And, always check where your information comes from. Google is great at finding information, but so far, not so great as to filtering truth from fiction... that I still need my sleepy brain to do.

So I have found a new obsession...

Selling stuff!

A friend of mine introduced me to one of those Facebook neighbourhood groups that lists things for sale. I understood that I will not make much, but it is still better than nothing, and is definitely better than just throwing things away (I feel a little bit bad since most of my used stuff usually gets donated).

And now I am a bit hooked. Not that I really need any more encouragement to check my Facebook page (even though there is nothing interesting about it, I still look, all the time)...

So far, I am batting 50-50 with things sold vs things I am still stuck with. But because I sold the first two things so fast, I am now impatiently waiting for my phone to ding to let me know if someone is interested in something else! It is really quite pathetic how often I hit the refresh button. (I admit, I just checked it again right now).

I know last week I said I needed to do something, but I am thinking selling all of our possessions is not it... on the other hand, I may end up with the lovely, open, de-cluttered house that I always wanted.

Back to school....

YEAH!

School has started again! You would think I would be ecstatic over having the house to myself again, especially since I miscalculated this year's camp schedule – usually I like to have two camp free weeks to relax before the start of school, but this year, school started late and we had three weeks... and I admit, though I did not throw out the book on limiting screen time, I did tare out a lot of pages from it, during that last week.

Well, here I am, at home, and I find myself missing my little nut. Sure the first day back was fun. I decided to watch TV instead of doing anything that remotely resembled work. But now I find myself not quite knowing what to do.

I think I need to find a new schedule for me. Sometimes I fear that my life is so revolved around hers that I do not know what to do on my own. I am as dependent on my little one as she is on me. This cannot be healthy.

So perhaps this fall should be like a new school year for me too. I will learn and/or start doing something that is just for me.

Still Feeling Blah...

I think I might had figured out why Fifty Shades of Grey was such a popular book.

I am pretty sure I am not the only person who finds herself with a to do list so long that one needs another list just to organize the original list.

I just do not know where to start. And frankly, it is hard to get motivated to do anything when you know that as soon as the rest of the family gets home, the house more or less looks like you have not cleaned at all.

So here I find myself in the afternoon, or sometimes in the morning, taking a survey around my house. Taking a deep breath. And saying Screw This. Why should I be the only who cares/

Next thing I know, I am sitting with a cup of tea (I probably would had prefer wine, but I really should draw the line at drinking at 9 in the morning...)... reading a digital copy of Fifty Shades... nothing like mindless fiction to take the edge off.

And sadly.... my fantasy does not so much revolve around the playroom, but having a person to clean my playroom.

Never done....

Awhile ago I wrote about feeling a little bit dissatisfied with my life; about feeling a little blah (you can read all about it here).

Well, while I was vacuuming, I figured out why I was feeling a little bit antsy. Actually two thoughts popped into my head.

A) I think about a lot of weird and random stuff while vacuuming, doing dishes, folding laundry...

and B) I am not happy (granted I am not actually unhappy either), because nothing I do ever gets finished.

I miss the feeling of completion, of feeling like it is done; it is over; never have to look at it again. You know, like the feeling you get after writing the last final of the year (before the panic on how well you did or did not do sets it). It is the same feeling I got when I submitted finished projects at work.

But now, nothing I do seems to end. I vacuum, and then the rest of the family comes home, and I might as well not have vacuumed at all. The same thing happens when I clean. And don't even get me started about cooking; sometimes I feel like I am chained to the kitchen.

I realize when I worked, after one project was finished, we immediately started working on another project. However, here is the key word – ANOTHER – as in something different. Why? Because the last project is done, finished, in the past. However with housework and some other things happening right now, I feel like I am doing the same things over and over and over again.

And, I know raising a child is a job that will NEVER end. My own parents still treat me like I am a kid, and I am pretty sure that I will always be a little bit worried about my little one, even after she is all grown up with kids of her own.

But, still this does not stop me from wishing for just one moment to feel like I have finished something.

I guess the best I can hope for today is this post. As it is done, over, and posted.

Secrets to a good marriage....

So I think I may have stumbled on one of the secrets for a great marriage while I was mopping the floors the other day. And the secret is...

    Marry someone whose tolerance for dirt and messiness is less than yours.   

    This way your partner will most likely breakdown and clean before you do.

But I did not do that. My mother did though, as my father does most of the cleaning in their house, which makes my mom a very happy person.

Not that I do not have a good marriage, but I think my relationship will be even better if my husband cleaned, picked up, or tidied more often.

And I am not even a very clean/tidy person; I am one of those people who think it is silly to make the bed since it will just get messed up again later. As a child I never picked anything up until my parents threatened to throw the object (or me) out of the house. But sometimes it feels like my family takes this tolerance to clutter and stuff EVERYWHERE to a whole new level.

There are times when just walking into my daughter's room will instantly cause my blood pressure to rise. I am surprise she is able to find anything in her room. Hell, I am surprise she can even walk in there. However, at least with her, I can use threats to get her to tidy up and clean a bit (usually with my help). I find telling her that she does not ever have to clean her room, but then mommy will come with a garbage bag to clean it for her usually does the trick.

With the husband, I am not sure what will work... Sometimes I will even test our tolerances for garbage lying around, kind of like a staring contest. I will purposely not throw away something that is obviously garbage to see who can take that piece of trash sitting on the counter longer. I usually blink first.

Actually the husband is not actually that bad. He may be messy, but he is clean. He will make sure to do things like scrubbing down the counter tops if he cooks chicken, and disinfecting the toilets. However, he sometimes leaves his socks on the bedroom floors for a week (we finally got a new hamper, so no more socks on the floor!) or the recycling next to the recycling bin.

And he knows my hate for cleaning. One mother's day, or anniversary, I cannot really remember, he offered to hire me a cleaning person. Not just any cleaning person; he found a company that sends good looking cleaning people who will come to clean your house in various states of undress. My first question was do they actually clean? Because what will turn me on at this point is a guy who is using his arms to dust the top of the book cases or on his hand and knees cleaning my floor moldings.

There is a Part B to the above mention rule – you can marry someone who does not mind messes everywhere if you a) really like to clean or b) learn to like to clean.

I am finding somedays cleaning isn't so bad after all.

This year's love letter

Hello, I know it is late, again... but here is this year's love letter.  (And if you are interested, here is the link to last year's letter)

To my darling Ambition,

Oh where have you gone my dear? It seems ages since we were together.

I remember a time when we use to have a goal; and we would stubbornly do everything, fight anyone, and even ignore certain pleasures just to reach that goal.

These days, we feel a great sense of accomplishment if we managed to vacuum, and to clean the bathroom.

It is not you my dear Ambition. I think it is me and my lack of goals. Really, my life these days seems to revolve around getting the laundry out of the dryer and folded (which I really should be doing right now) and deciding what we should eat for dinner.

There are days when this is enough. However, there are days when I miss wanting and reaching for more.

Oh Ambition, maybe it is not you who have left me, but me who has abandoned you.

Though there is still this one important goal that we are still striving for together – to love and raise our most precious little darling. Maybe this is enough.

Love,

Me

PS yes... I am going to finish the laundry after this....

Happy New Year, yeah I know it is already February....

Well so much for starting the new year by writing more.

Oh well... as I say to myself, every year, it is better late than never, so here it is: this year's anti resolution list. (This was last year's list).

So last year was about trying to have more fun. I am not sure how successful we were at reaching that goal, but I say we had some pretty good times, minus some major and minor bumps in the road.

This year I am doubling the amount of goals for myself.

Goal 1 – try to not feel so guilty all the time.

I figure this goal can be reached one of two ways. The first way is to just get my ass in gear and get the job done, whether it is dishes in the sink (or finally writing in this blog), and/or by sucking it up, put on a happy face, and just do it, like playing a card game for the millionth time, even if I do not want to because it makes my kid happy. To me, it is better to just get things done quickly than to leave it and then feel bad about it after. Besides, in the latter, even if the card game sucks, I do love spending time with the kid.

The second way to reach this goal is to just stop feeling guilty. It annoys the hell out of me when my husband is sick and refuses to let me help him with stuff. For one thing, it takes him twice as long to do anything, and then I have to listen to him complain about how much he hurts after. And then I realize, I do the exact same thing. So this year, I am going to give myself permission to just not do stuff (sometimes) and to not feel bad. I have to learn that I am not responsible for everything, and that I can ask for help – plus I should not feel bad for asking for help.

Goal 2 – stop saving everything

I am one of those people that like to save things for special occasions. This year, I am going to start using more and saving less. I do not mean I am going off to max out my credit cards and not give a dam. I am talking about the things I already own. For example, I am going to start actually drinking the expensive teas that I have, instead of just keeping it for when company comes over, especially since I rarely entertain. I am going to wear that cute skirt just for fun, whether it is going out or even just hanging around the house. I have donated many outfits with tags on, in the past, because they no longer fit or were simply out of style. And, I am going to let my daughter do this too. What is the point of allowing her to have toys if I don't let her play with them – we have a large collection of craft kits that we kept around for rainy days that we have yet to open; I have to learn that we can craft on sunny days as well.

So here are my two goals this year. Right now, I feel kind of good for getting this off my chest, and at the same time feel okay about the dishes that I am ignoring, in the sink, while I am doing this.

Happy New Year!

Lack of accomplishments...

So it has been a month since my daughter went back to school.

At first I thought that I would feel more relax now that she is not with me all the time, or that I can get more accomplished during my day.

Well I am so very very wrong.

I do not feel relax at all. It has taken me about this long to get back on schedule. It does not help that my daughter comes home for lunch about three times a week, which means, on those days I essentially have two hours off between drop off and pick up and drop off and pick up again... Sometimes I feel like I have just enough time to sit down and have a sip of tea.

As for accomplishing anything, i did NOTHING. I had huge plans to clean and tidy. However at this moment, my house looks like a small tornado went through it. Granted it is Monday, and no one cleans on the weekend - okay I refuse to clean on weekends unless someone is coming over, and if I do not clean, the other residents in this house rarely cleans (unless someone is coming over).

My other excuse is that I was also sick for a week, and who cleans and do stuff while they are sick? As an aside, I did make a wonderful discovery: the inability to taste salt makes for a great diet, I have massively cut down on snacking and have shrunk down my portion sizes.

I also had plans to write more, but as anyone who reads this and checks out the dates of my posts... that obviously did not happen either.

So here is the plan – first step, make a plan. Well that is about all I got so far. I will let you know if I can accomplish anything today, or maybe I will just wait until tomorrow.

Almost naughty mommy moment...

Every night I check on my daughter before I go to bed. I usually find her in some odd sleeping position (never in the position that I put her in bed), snuggled up with her stuffies and blankets.

She looks so angelic sleeping, probably dreaming of fairies and princesses, or pirates and dinosaurs or maybe a princess dinosaur pirate fairy... who knows...

And so, there she is in bed, all peaceful, innocent, with not a care in the world... and that is when I want to do it...

There are so many times when a little naughty imp in me thinks it will be very funny to wake her up in the middle of the night and pretend it is time to get up for school (keep in mind it is still summer vacation).

I know it is mean, but come on, she kept me from sleeping through the night for at least a year and a half.

But to this day, I simply give her a kiss, tell her I love her, and walk out the door...

However, it does not mean I will never try this little prank...  

The grass is always greener...

I love my house. I love the layout of my house. I love that is virtually the perfect size for us. I love the neighbourhood we are in. I really have nothing to complain about... but...

And that is the problem, there seems to be always a but with me. I am trying very hard to appreciate and just accept the things that I have. And I really do appreciate my house. However, as soon as I type this, I start thinking that my house will be perfect, if only it had parking, and maybe another bedroom, OH! And a master en-suite.

Is it just me that does this? I know if I just learn to accept things my life will be easier. I have been like this since I was little – at school, an A+ was not good enough, I had to be perfect. Okay, I learned quite quickly that an A+ was more than good enough; and most of the time I was happy with a B.

Then I find myself looking at my daughter's report card and wondering why it is not straight A+. I did take a deep breath and remembered that she was only in grade one, and really, so what if she got a B in “play”.

She actually did pretty good, in that she improved from last semester's report card, which really was what I wanted to see. But I cannot help but to push her still.

The thing is, I know she can do better if she just pays a bit more attention – she can get the correct answer for 5 + 3 and yet get 3 + 5 wrong. All I really want is for her to be self motivated. I want her to want to do her best.

And yet, I do not want her to become neurotic about it, like me, I want her to realize that her best is good enough, as long as it is indeed her best. At least for now, I do not want her to work for grades, I want her to work to want to learn things and to get better – the working on grades thing can come later.

I want her to enjoy the journey and the rewards of reaching her goal. I want her to always have goals, but be willing to sometimes accept that things are the way they are. I want me to learn these things.

Sure, a parking spot would be nice, but to get one,we will have to move because there is no possible way for me to afford a house with a parking spot where I live; and I am not about to move from this house.

So I should accept that though it is nice to dream, I should really be happy with what I have. And trust me, I know I am much luckier than most.

On the other hand.... I can always win the lottery....  

Summer vacation....

So it has been a little more than a month since I came home from my “grown up” vacation. Though it feels like the trip happened eons ago.

I think I am still suffering a bit from the post-vacation blues. It does not help that it is now the end of the school year, which means... my schedule and quiet mornings will now more or less disappear until September (YEAH! For summer camps!).

As much as I complain, I really do enjoy spending time with my daughter.

It is just that I do not have the patience or the personality to be a full time playmate to my little girl. I do okay as her mother (most of the time... I think...), but for the most part, I am just not a great friend for a kid... I cannot play pretend for hours; I have trouble following where her imagination takes her; and I am way too out of shape to chase her around the playground. I am great though at reading stories; doing a quiet craft; packing a picnic lunch; oh! and I am an expert at taking a quiet nap together.

As I write and reread over this entry, it got me to think that I really should approach this summer with a new attitude. So no longer will I dread summer vacations. I shall try to see it as an opportunity or an adventure. My kid still wants to hang out with me! I should really just enjoy this time, and just see where the summer will take us.

I am no longer a vacation-without-the kid virgin

Yep, we finally did it, my husband and I took a vacation without the small child.

For weeks, I was a nervous wreck. I somehow convinced myself that I was the only person capable of taking care of and keeping my child alive – it did not matter that my parents raised both my sister and me, or that my husband's parents were perfectly capable parents as well...

And then came the guilt of leaving her behind; the constant “mommy you are going to miss (fill in the blank)” were really starting to wear me down.

And just as my friends predicted, I started to relax as soon as the wheels on the plane left the ground. Everything is now out of my hands. I know the grandparents will spoil her rotten, but she will be fine and breathing, and most likely filled with sugar and toys, but she will be okay.

To my great surprise, I had fun! A LOT of FUN! I barely missed her, in fact, I felt a little bit guilty for not missing my child more. I still thought about her a lot, and called everyday, but I was glad we left her at home.

I think, I (we) needed some time away to be grown ups, without having the responsibilities of being grown ups.

If you think about it, being responsible parents kind of suck sometimes. Yes, kids gripe because they feel they have no powers, and are not allowed to make the rules.... Well children, do you know what is worse than not being able to make the rules? Making rules for a six year old that you have to follow as well. In essence, I am putting limits on my own freedom – or locking myself in a cage that I built.

For example, on our trip, I was able to leave my hotel room to go out for a drink at 11:00 at night!! I no longer had a curfew; my evening activity was not determined by someone else's bedtime.

At home, I am usually getting ready, or is close to being in bed by 11:00. In fact, staying out after 9:00 makes me feel rebellious (I do go out occasionally, but it usually requires arranging for babysitting weeks in advance.)

Then there are meal times – meals must be fed at regular times plus or minus half an hour. My child needs to be fed on a regular schedule, or else she is a nightmare to deal with.

On vacation, we ate whenever we were hungry. Okay, we still more or less ate (or at least snacked) at noon and six, because for the last almost seven years, I ate at about noon and six; and I too get cranky if I am not fed on schedule. The bonus on this trip was since there was no small child to set a good example for, I got to eat crappy yummy junk food if I wanted to; we did not, but I could have.

So on this trip, I realize that it is important for parents to be a little selfish once in awhile.

It was nice to be able to just do what I (we) wanted and to choose what I think would be fun for me (us) without thinking if it would be fun for the kid. I do not think I have thought about what I needed for months.

It was nice to be on vacation and only worry about my own happiness. I felt my batteries recharge; I am ready to be a happier mom again. I would probably be even better if it was not for the jet lag and the lack of sleep during the vacation (so maybe staying out until 2am everyday was not a brilliant idea).

And then I saw the mountain of laundry that greeted me when I got home... and my little one starts whining about something again... oh well... time to book my next vacation.

Mother's Day Blues

I do not like Mother's Day.

Do not get me wrong, I Love my Mommy, I Love my Mother-in-law, and I LOVE being a Mom. I just do not like Mother's Day.

Here is why...

Presents.

Ever since since my little one was born, we have given the mothers a little handmade present. Usually my daughter makes these presents, with a lot of supervision by me. So for weeks before the big day, I am constantly on Pinterest looking for ideas.

Here is the thing, and I know I am doing this to myself; I want to make presents that the mothers would like to keep because they are nice and not just out of guilt (even I started throwing out some of the crafts my daughter made for me. I feel a little bit bad, but we live in a small house, and I really do not need a hundred copies of the same flower, in multiple colours....).

So, with every year, the Mother's Day present project seems to grow more daunting to me. The worst is that I do not even get to enjoy the fruits of my own labours. Last year my daughter and I made these really nice little necklaces for everyone; that is everyone but ME! I was tired and forgot to include myself when I bought the materials; and I also thought it was a little lame to make myself a present.

So Mother's Day is once again approaching. I am still not quite sure what we are going to do this year, but I hope it will be nice and not too much work for me.

One year though, I would just like to spend a Mother's Day without having to plan anything, so that I too can sit and enjoy the breakfast that someone else planned for me, and maybe a massage. This way, I can feel more rested and relaxed before Father's Day comes.

Hello God...

My daughter came home the other day and told me about a problem at school. Nothing big, someone, or thing, was knocking some toys over, and she could not figure out who, or what, it was. So she and her friends decided to stakeout the toy area to catch who was doing this naughty thing. Apparently the plan failed. I guess they got bored after five minutes.

Then I asked her what they did next... and she told me they sat and prayed to God. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yep, my daughter and her friends got on their knees and prayed...

I was not raised in a very religious household. I did go to church when I was little, but I basically thought of church as a place to colour and make pretty crafts. My dad continued to drag us to church until my early teens, and then he got tired of fighting with us every week, and/or he started enjoying sleeping in.

Anyway, with my daughter I pretty much left religion out of our lives. I want it to be her choice when she is older.

However, I am starting to think I am wrong in my approach of completely ignoring religion. My daughter is now being told about God by a bunch of other six and seven year olds. And, If I remember correctly, young children often mistake God for Santa Claus. I had to tell her that God is not there for you to pray to for stuff, it is more complicated then that.

So maybe this is the year I finally tell her that Christmas is not about getting presents and Santa, and that Easter has very little to do with a bunny and chocolate eggs.

I hope that as a family, maybe we can also research what other people celebrate and believe in (her school does discuss most major religious celebrations, last year, she wanted to light a menorah, but I forgot when Chanukah started...).

I realize that we will be going on this new adventure with a heavy Christian bias (I teach what I know), but my goal is for her to learn that it is okay to believe in other things (as long as it does not hurt other people), and even if you do not always agree, you should respect other people's point of view. Or, in terms she understands – just because mommy thinks Toopy and Binoo is the most annoying cartoon ever made, it does not mean that you cannot like it (however, sometimes you may just have to watch it in a different room....).

Do you have suggestions on how to talk to your kid about religion?

So I have been feeling a little blah lately.

I see all these unfinished projects around me, but I lack the will to get my ass in gear to complete any of them..

Take writing for example. I am barely writing twice a month. Twice a month... I was aiming to put something down once a week... and really, it should not take me that long to type a few words, after all, I am not aiming to write 20 page essays. It is not even because I have no idea what to write; I have a couple of ideas gathering cobwebs in some corner of my mind. I just don't seem to be able to get motivated.

I turn my computer on, and instead of doing something productive, I play games, watch Youtube videos, sit there and wait for my friends to add new posts on Facebook, or read all sort of gossipy celebrity websites..

Meanwhile, my floors are gathering dust, the clothes in my closet are threatening to fall down on me, there is some sort of science project growing in my fridge, and my bathroom is... okay, I still clean the bathroom, I am not that gross yet... but close.

I just don't feel like doing anything. And simply thinking about finishing projects makes me feel overwhelmed, and yet, I feel restless. I want to do something, yet I do not know what, and how.

Maybe I need a change. Or maybe I just need to hunker down, get a list going and just do something. I know I will probably feel better if I just finish something.

Maybe after posting this, I will finally pull the vacuum cleaner out again or maybe I will just watch one more video online.

So I started to run again... and when I say run, I mean jog very slowly.....

I am being honest with myself, I am running to help lose some weight. Though being healthier and having more energy are nice bonuses as well.

This has been a dreadfully cold winter, so I helped keep both me and the house warm by baking and then consuming lots of cookies and muffins. And due to the cold, we did not move a lot – though we did learn to move very quickly running from one warm indoor place to another.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, I realize the dreaded bathing suit season will soon be upon me. There will be no more hiding under two layers of sweater and a coat that looks like a sleeping bag – I am pretty sure I could have gained 50lbs and no one would had noticed under all my clothing. So as the layers are about to come off, so must the weight.

I actually hate running. I have bad knees; I hate getting hot and sweaty; and I do not actually enjoy feeling like my lungs are burning.

However, I am also incredibly stubborn. I am determined to run 5km. I got close last year – I can run 4 – 4.5km without wanting to die, but then it was too hot, or too humid, or too cold, then there was too much light, not enough light... as you can see, it takes very little to convince me not to run.

But, I started running again this year, determined as ever to reach my goal.

Part of me worry though, I am doing this to lose a couple of pounds, and I am unsure what sort of example this sets for my little girl. I really do not want my daughter to start worrying about her weight or develop any body issues. And as much as I try to not voice my own weight issues in front of her, I nevertheless slip up sometime.

I want my little girl to grow up healthy and be happy with her body.

So I am hoping this running thing just shows her that mommy also needs to exercise and eat properly to stay healthy and to keep up with her; and not mommy would really like to fit into her old jeans again.

March Break Mommy Brain

So I did it. It really was only a matter of time before it happened.

Last week, I sent my daughter to a class that did not actually exist.

Yep, we woke up early on a Saturday morning; rushed through our morning routine (I probably yelled at her to hurry her up); then I tightly pulled her hair into a bun; woke up her father, who gulped down his coffee; and finally I sent them both running out the door to ballet class.

As soon as they left, I leaned back, sighed, and had my second cup of coffee and started to relax. Then the phone call came...

Husband - “.... Hun... are you sure she has class today? The doors are locked...”

Me - “What do you mean the doors are locked? I read the email... they are only taking a break from Tuesday until Thursday. Hang on... I will check the email again.”

dramatic pause

Me - “sh*t – Tuesday until the Thursday after March break.... sorry”

Considering how many programs my daughter has been in over her short lifespan, I am actually shocked that I do not do this more often.

I can blame my mind slip on many things: being overwhelmed, being tired after March Break, desperately needing to have the house to myself... But really there is only one person at fault here – ME. I was not doing the thing I tell my daughter to do everyday – pay attention.

Lesson learned. And, I believe my little one gets to get away with not paying attention this week, at least once. Also, I guess it is time for me to get a new calendar.