The grass is always greener...

I love my house. I love the layout of my house. I love that is virtually the perfect size for us. I love the neighbourhood we are in. I really have nothing to complain about... but...

And that is the problem, there seems to be always a but with me. I am trying very hard to appreciate and just accept the things that I have. And I really do appreciate my house. However, as soon as I type this, I start thinking that my house will be perfect, if only it had parking, and maybe another bedroom, OH! And a master en-suite.

Is it just me that does this? I know if I just learn to accept things my life will be easier. I have been like this since I was little – at school, an A+ was not good enough, I had to be perfect. Okay, I learned quite quickly that an A+ was more than good enough; and most of the time I was happy with a B.

Then I find myself looking at my daughter's report card and wondering why it is not straight A+. I did take a deep breath and remembered that she was only in grade one, and really, so what if she got a B in “play”.

She actually did pretty good, in that she improved from last semester's report card, which really was what I wanted to see. But I cannot help but to push her still.

The thing is, I know she can do better if she just pays a bit more attention – she can get the correct answer for 5 + 3 and yet get 3 + 5 wrong. All I really want is for her to be self motivated. I want her to want to do her best.

And yet, I do not want her to become neurotic about it, like me, I want her to realize that her best is good enough, as long as it is indeed her best. At least for now, I do not want her to work for grades, I want her to work to want to learn things and to get better – the working on grades thing can come later.

I want her to enjoy the journey and the rewards of reaching her goal. I want her to always have goals, but be willing to sometimes accept that things are the way they are. I want me to learn these things.

Sure, a parking spot would be nice, but to get one,we will have to move because there is no possible way for me to afford a house with a parking spot where I live; and I am not about to move from this house.

So I should accept that though it is nice to dream, I should really be happy with what I have. And trust me, I know I am much luckier than most.

On the other hand.... I can always win the lottery....  

Summer vacation....

So it has been a little more than a month since I came home from my “grown up” vacation. Though it feels like the trip happened eons ago.

I think I am still suffering a bit from the post-vacation blues. It does not help that it is now the end of the school year, which means... my schedule and quiet mornings will now more or less disappear until September (YEAH! For summer camps!).

As much as I complain, I really do enjoy spending time with my daughter.

It is just that I do not have the patience or the personality to be a full time playmate to my little girl. I do okay as her mother (most of the time... I think...), but for the most part, I am just not a great friend for a kid... I cannot play pretend for hours; I have trouble following where her imagination takes her; and I am way too out of shape to chase her around the playground. I am great though at reading stories; doing a quiet craft; packing a picnic lunch; oh! and I am an expert at taking a quiet nap together.

As I write and reread over this entry, it got me to think that I really should approach this summer with a new attitude. So no longer will I dread summer vacations. I shall try to see it as an opportunity or an adventure. My kid still wants to hang out with me! I should really just enjoy this time, and just see where the summer will take us.

I am no longer a vacation-without-the kid virgin

Yep, we finally did it, my husband and I took a vacation without the small child.

For weeks, I was a nervous wreck. I somehow convinced myself that I was the only person capable of taking care of and keeping my child alive – it did not matter that my parents raised both my sister and me, or that my husband's parents were perfectly capable parents as well...

And then came the guilt of leaving her behind; the constant “mommy you are going to miss (fill in the blank)” were really starting to wear me down.

And just as my friends predicted, I started to relax as soon as the wheels on the plane left the ground. Everything is now out of my hands. I know the grandparents will spoil her rotten, but she will be fine and breathing, and most likely filled with sugar and toys, but she will be okay.

To my great surprise, I had fun! A LOT of FUN! I barely missed her, in fact, I felt a little bit guilty for not missing my child more. I still thought about her a lot, and called everyday, but I was glad we left her at home.

I think, I (we) needed some time away to be grown ups, without having the responsibilities of being grown ups.

If you think about it, being responsible parents kind of suck sometimes. Yes, kids gripe because they feel they have no powers, and are not allowed to make the rules.... Well children, do you know what is worse than not being able to make the rules? Making rules for a six year old that you have to follow as well. In essence, I am putting limits on my own freedom – or locking myself in a cage that I built.

For example, on our trip, I was able to leave my hotel room to go out for a drink at 11:00 at night!! I no longer had a curfew; my evening activity was not determined by someone else's bedtime.

At home, I am usually getting ready, or is close to being in bed by 11:00. In fact, staying out after 9:00 makes me feel rebellious (I do go out occasionally, but it usually requires arranging for babysitting weeks in advance.)

Then there are meal times – meals must be fed at regular times plus or minus half an hour. My child needs to be fed on a regular schedule, or else she is a nightmare to deal with.

On vacation, we ate whenever we were hungry. Okay, we still more or less ate (or at least snacked) at noon and six, because for the last almost seven years, I ate at about noon and six; and I too get cranky if I am not fed on schedule. The bonus on this trip was since there was no small child to set a good example for, I got to eat crappy yummy junk food if I wanted to; we did not, but I could have.

So on this trip, I realize that it is important for parents to be a little selfish once in awhile.

It was nice to be able to just do what I (we) wanted and to choose what I think would be fun for me (us) without thinking if it would be fun for the kid. I do not think I have thought about what I needed for months.

It was nice to be on vacation and only worry about my own happiness. I felt my batteries recharge; I am ready to be a happier mom again. I would probably be even better if it was not for the jet lag and the lack of sleep during the vacation (so maybe staying out until 2am everyday was not a brilliant idea).

And then I saw the mountain of laundry that greeted me when I got home... and my little one starts whining about something again... oh well... time to book my next vacation.

Mother's Day Blues

I do not like Mother's Day.

Do not get me wrong, I Love my Mommy, I Love my Mother-in-law, and I LOVE being a Mom. I just do not like Mother's Day.

Here is why...

Presents.

Ever since since my little one was born, we have given the mothers a little handmade present. Usually my daughter makes these presents, with a lot of supervision by me. So for weeks before the big day, I am constantly on Pinterest looking for ideas.

Here is the thing, and I know I am doing this to myself; I want to make presents that the mothers would like to keep because they are nice and not just out of guilt (even I started throwing out some of the crafts my daughter made for me. I feel a little bit bad, but we live in a small house, and I really do not need a hundred copies of the same flower, in multiple colours....).

So, with every year, the Mother's Day present project seems to grow more daunting to me. The worst is that I do not even get to enjoy the fruits of my own labours. Last year my daughter and I made these really nice little necklaces for everyone; that is everyone but ME! I was tired and forgot to include myself when I bought the materials; and I also thought it was a little lame to make myself a present.

So Mother's Day is once again approaching. I am still not quite sure what we are going to do this year, but I hope it will be nice and not too much work for me.

One year though, I would just like to spend a Mother's Day without having to plan anything, so that I too can sit and enjoy the breakfast that someone else planned for me, and maybe a massage. This way, I can feel more rested and relaxed before Father's Day comes.

Hello God...

My daughter came home the other day and told me about a problem at school. Nothing big, someone, or thing, was knocking some toys over, and she could not figure out who, or what, it was. So she and her friends decided to stakeout the toy area to catch who was doing this naughty thing. Apparently the plan failed. I guess they got bored after five minutes.

Then I asked her what they did next... and she told me they sat and prayed to God. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yep, my daughter and her friends got on their knees and prayed...

I was not raised in a very religious household. I did go to church when I was little, but I basically thought of church as a place to colour and make pretty crafts. My dad continued to drag us to church until my early teens, and then he got tired of fighting with us every week, and/or he started enjoying sleeping in.

Anyway, with my daughter I pretty much left religion out of our lives. I want it to be her choice when she is older.

However, I am starting to think I am wrong in my approach of completely ignoring religion. My daughter is now being told about God by a bunch of other six and seven year olds. And, If I remember correctly, young children often mistake God for Santa Claus. I had to tell her that God is not there for you to pray to for stuff, it is more complicated then that.

So maybe this is the year I finally tell her that Christmas is not about getting presents and Santa, and that Easter has very little to do with a bunny and chocolate eggs.

I hope that as a family, maybe we can also research what other people celebrate and believe in (her school does discuss most major religious celebrations, last year, she wanted to light a menorah, but I forgot when Chanukah started...).

I realize that we will be going on this new adventure with a heavy Christian bias (I teach what I know), but my goal is for her to learn that it is okay to believe in other things (as long as it does not hurt other people), and even if you do not always agree, you should respect other people's point of view. Or, in terms she understands – just because mommy thinks Toopy and Binoo is the most annoying cartoon ever made, it does not mean that you cannot like it (however, sometimes you may just have to watch it in a different room....).

Do you have suggestions on how to talk to your kid about religion?

So I have been feeling a little blah lately.

I see all these unfinished projects around me, but I lack the will to get my ass in gear to complete any of them..

Take writing for example. I am barely writing twice a month. Twice a month... I was aiming to put something down once a week... and really, it should not take me that long to type a few words, after all, I am not aiming to write 20 page essays. It is not even because I have no idea what to write; I have a couple of ideas gathering cobwebs in some corner of my mind. I just don't seem to be able to get motivated.

I turn my computer on, and instead of doing something productive, I play games, watch Youtube videos, sit there and wait for my friends to add new posts on Facebook, or read all sort of gossipy celebrity websites..

Meanwhile, my floors are gathering dust, the clothes in my closet are threatening to fall down on me, there is some sort of science project growing in my fridge, and my bathroom is... okay, I still clean the bathroom, I am not that gross yet... but close.

I just don't feel like doing anything. And simply thinking about finishing projects makes me feel overwhelmed, and yet, I feel restless. I want to do something, yet I do not know what, and how.

Maybe I need a change. Or maybe I just need to hunker down, get a list going and just do something. I know I will probably feel better if I just finish something.

Maybe after posting this, I will finally pull the vacuum cleaner out again or maybe I will just watch one more video online.

So I started to run again... and when I say run, I mean jog very slowly.....

I am being honest with myself, I am running to help lose some weight. Though being healthier and having more energy are nice bonuses as well.

This has been a dreadfully cold winter, so I helped keep both me and the house warm by baking and then consuming lots of cookies and muffins. And due to the cold, we did not move a lot – though we did learn to move very quickly running from one warm indoor place to another.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, I realize the dreaded bathing suit season will soon be upon me. There will be no more hiding under two layers of sweater and a coat that looks like a sleeping bag – I am pretty sure I could have gained 50lbs and no one would had noticed under all my clothing. So as the layers are about to come off, so must the weight.

I actually hate running. I have bad knees; I hate getting hot and sweaty; and I do not actually enjoy feeling like my lungs are burning.

However, I am also incredibly stubborn. I am determined to run 5km. I got close last year – I can run 4 – 4.5km without wanting to die, but then it was too hot, or too humid, or too cold, then there was too much light, not enough light... as you can see, it takes very little to convince me not to run.

But, I started running again this year, determined as ever to reach my goal.

Part of me worry though, I am doing this to lose a couple of pounds, and I am unsure what sort of example this sets for my little girl. I really do not want my daughter to start worrying about her weight or develop any body issues. And as much as I try to not voice my own weight issues in front of her, I nevertheless slip up sometime.

I want my little girl to grow up healthy and be happy with her body.

So I am hoping this running thing just shows her that mommy also needs to exercise and eat properly to stay healthy and to keep up with her; and not mommy would really like to fit into her old jeans again.