This year's love letter

Hello, I know it is late, again... but here is this year's love letter.  (And if you are interested, here is the link to last year's letter)

To my darling Ambition,

Oh where have you gone my dear? It seems ages since we were together.

I remember a time when we use to have a goal; and we would stubbornly do everything, fight anyone, and even ignore certain pleasures just to reach that goal.

These days, we feel a great sense of accomplishment if we managed to vacuum, and to clean the bathroom.

It is not you my dear Ambition. I think it is me and my lack of goals. Really, my life these days seems to revolve around getting the laundry out of the dryer and folded (which I really should be doing right now) and deciding what we should eat for dinner.

There are days when this is enough. However, there are days when I miss wanting and reaching for more.

Oh Ambition, maybe it is not you who have left me, but me who has abandoned you.

Though there is still this one important goal that we are still striving for together – to love and raise our most precious little darling. Maybe this is enough.

Love,

Me

PS yes... I am going to finish the laundry after this....

Happy New Year, yeah I know it is already February....

Well so much for starting the new year by writing more.

Oh well... as I say to myself, every year, it is better late than never, so here it is: this year's anti resolution list. (This was last year's list).

So last year was about trying to have more fun. I am not sure how successful we were at reaching that goal, but I say we had some pretty good times, minus some major and minor bumps in the road.

This year I am doubling the amount of goals for myself.

Goal 1 – try to not feel so guilty all the time.

I figure this goal can be reached one of two ways. The first way is to just get my ass in gear and get the job done, whether it is dishes in the sink (or finally writing in this blog), and/or by sucking it up, put on a happy face, and just do it, like playing a card game for the millionth time, even if I do not want to because it makes my kid happy. To me, it is better to just get things done quickly than to leave it and then feel bad about it after. Besides, in the latter, even if the card game sucks, I do love spending time with the kid.

The second way to reach this goal is to just stop feeling guilty. It annoys the hell out of me when my husband is sick and refuses to let me help him with stuff. For one thing, it takes him twice as long to do anything, and then I have to listen to him complain about how much he hurts after. And then I realize, I do the exact same thing. So this year, I am going to give myself permission to just not do stuff (sometimes) and to not feel bad. I have to learn that I am not responsible for everything, and that I can ask for help – plus I should not feel bad for asking for help.

Goal 2 – stop saving everything

I am one of those people that like to save things for special occasions. This year, I am going to start using more and saving less. I do not mean I am going off to max out my credit cards and not give a dam. I am talking about the things I already own. For example, I am going to start actually drinking the expensive teas that I have, instead of just keeping it for when company comes over, especially since I rarely entertain. I am going to wear that cute skirt just for fun, whether it is going out or even just hanging around the house. I have donated many outfits with tags on, in the past, because they no longer fit or were simply out of style. And, I am going to let my daughter do this too. What is the point of allowing her to have toys if I don't let her play with them – we have a large collection of craft kits that we kept around for rainy days that we have yet to open; I have to learn that we can craft on sunny days as well.

So here are my two goals this year. Right now, I feel kind of good for getting this off my chest, and at the same time feel okay about the dishes that I am ignoring, in the sink, while I am doing this.

Happy New Year!

Lack of accomplishments...

So it has been a month since my daughter went back to school.

At first I thought that I would feel more relax now that she is not with me all the time, or that I can get more accomplished during my day.

Well I am so very very wrong.

I do not feel relax at all. It has taken me about this long to get back on schedule. It does not help that my daughter comes home for lunch about three times a week, which means, on those days I essentially have two hours off between drop off and pick up and drop off and pick up again... Sometimes I feel like I have just enough time to sit down and have a sip of tea.

As for accomplishing anything, i did NOTHING. I had huge plans to clean and tidy. However at this moment, my house looks like a small tornado went through it. Granted it is Monday, and no one cleans on the weekend - okay I refuse to clean on weekends unless someone is coming over, and if I do not clean, the other residents in this house rarely cleans (unless someone is coming over).

My other excuse is that I was also sick for a week, and who cleans and do stuff while they are sick? As an aside, I did make a wonderful discovery: the inability to taste salt makes for a great diet, I have massively cut down on snacking and have shrunk down my portion sizes.

I also had plans to write more, but as anyone who reads this and checks out the dates of my posts... that obviously did not happen either.

So here is the plan – first step, make a plan. Well that is about all I got so far. I will let you know if I can accomplish anything today, or maybe I will just wait until tomorrow.

Almost naughty mommy moment...

Every night I check on my daughter before I go to bed. I usually find her in some odd sleeping position (never in the position that I put her in bed), snuggled up with her stuffies and blankets.

She looks so angelic sleeping, probably dreaming of fairies and princesses, or pirates and dinosaurs or maybe a princess dinosaur pirate fairy... who knows...

And so, there she is in bed, all peaceful, innocent, with not a care in the world... and that is when I want to do it...

There are so many times when a little naughty imp in me thinks it will be very funny to wake her up in the middle of the night and pretend it is time to get up for school (keep in mind it is still summer vacation).

I know it is mean, but come on, she kept me from sleeping through the night for at least a year and a half.

But to this day, I simply give her a kiss, tell her I love her, and walk out the door...

However, it does not mean I will never try this little prank...  

The grass is always greener...

I love my house. I love the layout of my house. I love that is virtually the perfect size for us. I love the neighbourhood we are in. I really have nothing to complain about... but...

And that is the problem, there seems to be always a but with me. I am trying very hard to appreciate and just accept the things that I have. And I really do appreciate my house. However, as soon as I type this, I start thinking that my house will be perfect, if only it had parking, and maybe another bedroom, OH! And a master en-suite.

Is it just me that does this? I know if I just learn to accept things my life will be easier. I have been like this since I was little – at school, an A+ was not good enough, I had to be perfect. Okay, I learned quite quickly that an A+ was more than good enough; and most of the time I was happy with a B.

Then I find myself looking at my daughter's report card and wondering why it is not straight A+. I did take a deep breath and remembered that she was only in grade one, and really, so what if she got a B in “play”.

She actually did pretty good, in that she improved from last semester's report card, which really was what I wanted to see. But I cannot help but to push her still.

The thing is, I know she can do better if she just pays a bit more attention – she can get the correct answer for 5 + 3 and yet get 3 + 5 wrong. All I really want is for her to be self motivated. I want her to want to do her best.

And yet, I do not want her to become neurotic about it, like me, I want her to realize that her best is good enough, as long as it is indeed her best. At least for now, I do not want her to work for grades, I want her to work to want to learn things and to get better – the working on grades thing can come later.

I want her to enjoy the journey and the rewards of reaching her goal. I want her to always have goals, but be willing to sometimes accept that things are the way they are. I want me to learn these things.

Sure, a parking spot would be nice, but to get one,we will have to move because there is no possible way for me to afford a house with a parking spot where I live; and I am not about to move from this house.

So I should accept that though it is nice to dream, I should really be happy with what I have. And trust me, I know I am much luckier than most.

On the other hand.... I can always win the lottery....  

Summer vacation....

So it has been a little more than a month since I came home from my “grown up” vacation. Though it feels like the trip happened eons ago.

I think I am still suffering a bit from the post-vacation blues. It does not help that it is now the end of the school year, which means... my schedule and quiet mornings will now more or less disappear until September (YEAH! For summer camps!).

As much as I complain, I really do enjoy spending time with my daughter.

It is just that I do not have the patience or the personality to be a full time playmate to my little girl. I do okay as her mother (most of the time... I think...), but for the most part, I am just not a great friend for a kid... I cannot play pretend for hours; I have trouble following where her imagination takes her; and I am way too out of shape to chase her around the playground. I am great though at reading stories; doing a quiet craft; packing a picnic lunch; oh! and I am an expert at taking a quiet nap together.

As I write and reread over this entry, it got me to think that I really should approach this summer with a new attitude. So no longer will I dread summer vacations. I shall try to see it as an opportunity or an adventure. My kid still wants to hang out with me! I should really just enjoy this time, and just see where the summer will take us.

I am no longer a vacation-without-the kid virgin

Yep, we finally did it, my husband and I took a vacation without the small child.

For weeks, I was a nervous wreck. I somehow convinced myself that I was the only person capable of taking care of and keeping my child alive – it did not matter that my parents raised both my sister and me, or that my husband's parents were perfectly capable parents as well...

And then came the guilt of leaving her behind; the constant “mommy you are going to miss (fill in the blank)” were really starting to wear me down.

And just as my friends predicted, I started to relax as soon as the wheels on the plane left the ground. Everything is now out of my hands. I know the grandparents will spoil her rotten, but she will be fine and breathing, and most likely filled with sugar and toys, but she will be okay.

To my great surprise, I had fun! A LOT of FUN! I barely missed her, in fact, I felt a little bit guilty for not missing my child more. I still thought about her a lot, and called everyday, but I was glad we left her at home.

I think, I (we) needed some time away to be grown ups, without having the responsibilities of being grown ups.

If you think about it, being responsible parents kind of suck sometimes. Yes, kids gripe because they feel they have no powers, and are not allowed to make the rules.... Well children, do you know what is worse than not being able to make the rules? Making rules for a six year old that you have to follow as well. In essence, I am putting limits on my own freedom – or locking myself in a cage that I built.

For example, on our trip, I was able to leave my hotel room to go out for a drink at 11:00 at night!! I no longer had a curfew; my evening activity was not determined by someone else's bedtime.

At home, I am usually getting ready, or is close to being in bed by 11:00. In fact, staying out after 9:00 makes me feel rebellious (I do go out occasionally, but it usually requires arranging for babysitting weeks in advance.)

Then there are meal times – meals must be fed at regular times plus or minus half an hour. My child needs to be fed on a regular schedule, or else she is a nightmare to deal with.

On vacation, we ate whenever we were hungry. Okay, we still more or less ate (or at least snacked) at noon and six, because for the last almost seven years, I ate at about noon and six; and I too get cranky if I am not fed on schedule. The bonus on this trip was since there was no small child to set a good example for, I got to eat crappy yummy junk food if I wanted to; we did not, but I could have.

So on this trip, I realize that it is important for parents to be a little selfish once in awhile.

It was nice to be able to just do what I (we) wanted and to choose what I think would be fun for me (us) without thinking if it would be fun for the kid. I do not think I have thought about what I needed for months.

It was nice to be on vacation and only worry about my own happiness. I felt my batteries recharge; I am ready to be a happier mom again. I would probably be even better if it was not for the jet lag and the lack of sleep during the vacation (so maybe staying out until 2am everyday was not a brilliant idea).

And then I saw the mountain of laundry that greeted me when I got home... and my little one starts whining about something again... oh well... time to book my next vacation.