Never done....

Awhile ago I wrote about feeling a little bit dissatisfied with my life; about feeling a little blah (you can read all about it here).

Well, while I was vacuuming, I figured out why I was feeling a little bit antsy. Actually two thoughts popped into my head.

A) I think about a lot of weird and random stuff while vacuuming, doing dishes, folding laundry...

and B) I am not happy (granted I am not actually unhappy either), because nothing I do ever gets finished.

I miss the feeling of completion, of feeling like it is done; it is over; never have to look at it again. You know, like the feeling you get after writing the last final of the year (before the panic on how well you did or did not do sets it). It is the same feeling I got when I submitted finished projects at work.

But now, nothing I do seems to end. I vacuum, and then the rest of the family comes home, and I might as well not have vacuumed at all. The same thing happens when I clean. And don't even get me started about cooking; sometimes I feel like I am chained to the kitchen.

I realize when I worked, after one project was finished, we immediately started working on another project. However, here is the key word – ANOTHER – as in something different. Why? Because the last project is done, finished, in the past. However with housework and some other things happening right now, I feel like I am doing the same things over and over and over again.

And, I know raising a child is a job that will NEVER end. My own parents still treat me like I am a kid, and I am pretty sure that I will always be a little bit worried about my little one, even after she is all grown up with kids of her own.

But, still this does not stop me from wishing for just one moment to feel like I have finished something.

I guess the best I can hope for today is this post. As it is done, over, and posted.

Secrets to a good marriage....

So I think I may have stumbled on one of the secrets for a great marriage while I was mopping the floors the other day. And the secret is...

    Marry someone whose tolerance for dirt and messiness is less than yours.   

    This way your partner will most likely breakdown and clean before you do.

But I did not do that. My mother did though, as my father does most of the cleaning in their house, which makes my mom a very happy person.

Not that I do not have a good marriage, but I think my relationship will be even better if my husband cleaned, picked up, or tidied more often.

And I am not even a very clean/tidy person; I am one of those people who think it is silly to make the bed since it will just get messed up again later. As a child I never picked anything up until my parents threatened to throw the object (or me) out of the house. But sometimes it feels like my family takes this tolerance to clutter and stuff EVERYWHERE to a whole new level.

There are times when just walking into my daughter's room will instantly cause my blood pressure to rise. I am surprise she is able to find anything in her room. Hell, I am surprise she can even walk in there. However, at least with her, I can use threats to get her to tidy up and clean a bit (usually with my help). I find telling her that she does not ever have to clean her room, but then mommy will come with a garbage bag to clean it for her usually does the trick.

With the husband, I am not sure what will work... Sometimes I will even test our tolerances for garbage lying around, kind of like a staring contest. I will purposely not throw away something that is obviously garbage to see who can take that piece of trash sitting on the counter longer. I usually blink first.

Actually the husband is not actually that bad. He may be messy, but he is clean. He will make sure to do things like scrubbing down the counter tops if he cooks chicken, and disinfecting the toilets. However, he sometimes leaves his socks on the bedroom floors for a week (we finally got a new hamper, so no more socks on the floor!) or the recycling next to the recycling bin.

And he knows my hate for cleaning. One mother's day, or anniversary, I cannot really remember, he offered to hire me a cleaning person. Not just any cleaning person; he found a company that sends good looking cleaning people who will come to clean your house in various states of undress. My first question was do they actually clean? Because what will turn me on at this point is a guy who is using his arms to dust the top of the book cases or on his hand and knees cleaning my floor moldings.

There is a Part B to the above mention rule – you can marry someone who does not mind messes everywhere if you a) really like to clean or b) learn to like to clean.

I am finding somedays cleaning isn't so bad after all.

This year's love letter

Hello, I know it is late, again... but here is this year's love letter.  (And if you are interested, here is the link to last year's letter)

To my darling Ambition,

Oh where have you gone my dear? It seems ages since we were together.

I remember a time when we use to have a goal; and we would stubbornly do everything, fight anyone, and even ignore certain pleasures just to reach that goal.

These days, we feel a great sense of accomplishment if we managed to vacuum, and to clean the bathroom.

It is not you my dear Ambition. I think it is me and my lack of goals. Really, my life these days seems to revolve around getting the laundry out of the dryer and folded (which I really should be doing right now) and deciding what we should eat for dinner.

There are days when this is enough. However, there are days when I miss wanting and reaching for more.

Oh Ambition, maybe it is not you who have left me, but me who has abandoned you.

Though there is still this one important goal that we are still striving for together – to love and raise our most precious little darling. Maybe this is enough.

Love,

Me

PS yes... I am going to finish the laundry after this....

Happy New Year, yeah I know it is already February....

Well so much for starting the new year by writing more.

Oh well... as I say to myself, every year, it is better late than never, so here it is: this year's anti resolution list. (This was last year's list).

So last year was about trying to have more fun. I am not sure how successful we were at reaching that goal, but I say we had some pretty good times, minus some major and minor bumps in the road.

This year I am doubling the amount of goals for myself.

Goal 1 – try to not feel so guilty all the time.

I figure this goal can be reached one of two ways. The first way is to just get my ass in gear and get the job done, whether it is dishes in the sink (or finally writing in this blog), and/or by sucking it up, put on a happy face, and just do it, like playing a card game for the millionth time, even if I do not want to because it makes my kid happy. To me, it is better to just get things done quickly than to leave it and then feel bad about it after. Besides, in the latter, even if the card game sucks, I do love spending time with the kid.

The second way to reach this goal is to just stop feeling guilty. It annoys the hell out of me when my husband is sick and refuses to let me help him with stuff. For one thing, it takes him twice as long to do anything, and then I have to listen to him complain about how much he hurts after. And then I realize, I do the exact same thing. So this year, I am going to give myself permission to just not do stuff (sometimes) and to not feel bad. I have to learn that I am not responsible for everything, and that I can ask for help – plus I should not feel bad for asking for help.

Goal 2 – stop saving everything

I am one of those people that like to save things for special occasions. This year, I am going to start using more and saving less. I do not mean I am going off to max out my credit cards and not give a dam. I am talking about the things I already own. For example, I am going to start actually drinking the expensive teas that I have, instead of just keeping it for when company comes over, especially since I rarely entertain. I am going to wear that cute skirt just for fun, whether it is going out or even just hanging around the house. I have donated many outfits with tags on, in the past, because they no longer fit or were simply out of style. And, I am going to let my daughter do this too. What is the point of allowing her to have toys if I don't let her play with them – we have a large collection of craft kits that we kept around for rainy days that we have yet to open; I have to learn that we can craft on sunny days as well.

So here are my two goals this year. Right now, I feel kind of good for getting this off my chest, and at the same time feel okay about the dishes that I am ignoring, in the sink, while I am doing this.

Happy New Year!

Lack of accomplishments...

So it has been a month since my daughter went back to school.

At first I thought that I would feel more relax now that she is not with me all the time, or that I can get more accomplished during my day.

Well I am so very very wrong.

I do not feel relax at all. It has taken me about this long to get back on schedule. It does not help that my daughter comes home for lunch about three times a week, which means, on those days I essentially have two hours off between drop off and pick up and drop off and pick up again... Sometimes I feel like I have just enough time to sit down and have a sip of tea.

As for accomplishing anything, i did NOTHING. I had huge plans to clean and tidy. However at this moment, my house looks like a small tornado went through it. Granted it is Monday, and no one cleans on the weekend - okay I refuse to clean on weekends unless someone is coming over, and if I do not clean, the other residents in this house rarely cleans (unless someone is coming over).

My other excuse is that I was also sick for a week, and who cleans and do stuff while they are sick? As an aside, I did make a wonderful discovery: the inability to taste salt makes for a great diet, I have massively cut down on snacking and have shrunk down my portion sizes.

I also had plans to write more, but as anyone who reads this and checks out the dates of my posts... that obviously did not happen either.

So here is the plan – first step, make a plan. Well that is about all I got so far. I will let you know if I can accomplish anything today, or maybe I will just wait until tomorrow.

Almost naughty mommy moment...

Every night I check on my daughter before I go to bed. I usually find her in some odd sleeping position (never in the position that I put her in bed), snuggled up with her stuffies and blankets.

She looks so angelic sleeping, probably dreaming of fairies and princesses, or pirates and dinosaurs or maybe a princess dinosaur pirate fairy... who knows...

And so, there she is in bed, all peaceful, innocent, with not a care in the world... and that is when I want to do it...

There are so many times when a little naughty imp in me thinks it will be very funny to wake her up in the middle of the night and pretend it is time to get up for school (keep in mind it is still summer vacation).

I know it is mean, but come on, she kept me from sleeping through the night for at least a year and a half.

But to this day, I simply give her a kiss, tell her I love her, and walk out the door...

However, it does not mean I will never try this little prank...  

The grass is always greener...

I love my house. I love the layout of my house. I love that is virtually the perfect size for us. I love the neighbourhood we are in. I really have nothing to complain about... but...

And that is the problem, there seems to be always a but with me. I am trying very hard to appreciate and just accept the things that I have. And I really do appreciate my house. However, as soon as I type this, I start thinking that my house will be perfect, if only it had parking, and maybe another bedroom, OH! And a master en-suite.

Is it just me that does this? I know if I just learn to accept things my life will be easier. I have been like this since I was little – at school, an A+ was not good enough, I had to be perfect. Okay, I learned quite quickly that an A+ was more than good enough; and most of the time I was happy with a B.

Then I find myself looking at my daughter's report card and wondering why it is not straight A+. I did take a deep breath and remembered that she was only in grade one, and really, so what if she got a B in “play”.

She actually did pretty good, in that she improved from last semester's report card, which really was what I wanted to see. But I cannot help but to push her still.

The thing is, I know she can do better if she just pays a bit more attention – she can get the correct answer for 5 + 3 and yet get 3 + 5 wrong. All I really want is for her to be self motivated. I want her to want to do her best.

And yet, I do not want her to become neurotic about it, like me, I want her to realize that her best is good enough, as long as it is indeed her best. At least for now, I do not want her to work for grades, I want her to work to want to learn things and to get better – the working on grades thing can come later.

I want her to enjoy the journey and the rewards of reaching her goal. I want her to always have goals, but be willing to sometimes accept that things are the way they are. I want me to learn these things.

Sure, a parking spot would be nice, but to get one,we will have to move because there is no possible way for me to afford a house with a parking spot where I live; and I am not about to move from this house.

So I should accept that though it is nice to dream, I should really be happy with what I have. And trust me, I know I am much luckier than most.

On the other hand.... I can always win the lottery....