Fragility...

Every once in awhile, something so devastating happens that I am jolted into remembering how very fragile life is.

It happened yesterday in Boston, and it happened in December in Newtown.

I did not have a very good day yesterday. My daughter and I had a disagreement, basically, I completely lost my temper and yelled at her, a lot.

Little did I know, two hours later, hundreds of people, who were probably enjoying a wonderful day in Boston, had their lives suddenly changed forever when the first explosion happened.

My 'bad day' and my little argument with my daughter suddenly seemed so silly and inconsequential. All I wanted to do was to hold on to her as tight as I could.

My heart goes out to the people in Boston, and to all of us who lose a little piece of our innocence whenever a horrendous event like this happens.

It is unfortunate that often it is tragedies that reminds us to cherish lives. To spend quality time together. To remember that we love each other.

Conquering one fear at a time...

So we made it. She made it back from her field trip alive and well (see last post), and she had a wonderful adventure.

I made it too! I dropped her off at school without any incident, and I did not even hang around to watch them get on the school bus.

I find it very hard to not impose my fears onto her. So while images of lost little children and car crashes danced through my head, I continued to put on my happy face and told her that she will have a great time. I do not think she noticed my fears, at least I hope not; she was smiling and excited the entire time.

Okay, there was one little cloud that crossed her face.

I decided to put a note with her school's name and phone number, along with her father's and my contact information into her pocket. Of all the crazy scary scenarios, the losing her school group was the most likely. Even my husband agreed that this was not an unreasonable safety precaution, after all, she was going somewhere filled with other little kids, and my child is (A) quite little, and mainly (B) gets distracted very easily.

I do not think the idea of getting lost ever crossed her mind until that point. I reassured her that this was a just in case thing, and we had a quick talk about finding another teacher, or a police officer if she could not find her group. Then I told her to stick to her friends like glue.

It is hard to do these safety talks without scaring and scarring her, because like me, my little one tends to jump to the worse case scenario. So, when I said quick safety talk, I meant it. I did not want her to dwell on it too long, and we quickly moved right back onto how much fun the trip is going to be.

I want my daughter to be curious, strong, brave and confident. I want her to explore the world without fear (but cautiously, of course). Now if only someone can help me be strong, brave, and confident and tell me how to let her go.

Oh! the added plus for this trip; she had half an hour more of school! Maybe field trips are a good thing after all.

Fighting my Fears

I always thought of myself as being one of those parents who allowed their kids to explore the world with minimal supervision.

Helicopter parent, I am not. I am kind of surprise that the school has not called the cops on me considering how many bruises my kid has on her sometimes – there are times when my kid's love of climbing exceeds her ability to climb that something, and yes I let her fall. BUT, I do make sure that she will not get really hurt, i.e. break anything.

I always believed that giving my child a sense of freedom and the ability to make her own decisions (within limits), and thus the opportunity of making and learning from her own mistakes is important. She has so far mastered the making mistakes, but is a little slower on the learning from it part.

And, I always thought that I was pretty good at controlling my fears and not letting the possibility of something going horribly wrong to affect my decisions.

Well, now all that is about to be thrown out the window... the nearest bus window... you see, my child is about to go on her first school trip; on a school bus; without me. Yes, she is going in a vehicle, with someone else watching her (and a whole bunch of other four and five year olds), and the vehicle does not have a five-point-harnesses system, or some other form of restraining device built in.

I know logically that the chances of something going wrong is very slim. And, there are other adults keeping an eye on her. BUT the other adults are not me.

I am currently trying very hard to ignore all those horrible scenarios that just keep popping into my head (we are talking everything from bus accidents, to the kids being taken hostage, to my little girl getting lost during the trip). So now, I am fighting my urge to just keep her at home with me, and maybe covering her up in bubble wrap and locking her in her room.

The thing is, I am not even sure where this fear and sense of dread is coming from. Until now, I have never been worried about leaving her somewhere. I was never one of those parents who got teary eyed at school/camp drop offs. I was the one who quickly waved and then ran to enjoy my couple of hours of freedom.

Maybe I am afraid this time because I am being forced to acknowledge that she is no longer a baby. This time she is going somewhere without me.

So, I hope my nerves will hold up, as I keep telling myself that everything will be fine, and it will be great. She will have a wonderful time.

And, I will keep in mind that at least I will not be trapped in a metal box with a bunch of excited four and five year olds.

What do you do when you feel scared, but know logically that there is nothing to be afraid of?

picture courtesy of Sam LeVan